-Let’s get to the news. Last night’s Democratic debate aired exclusively on CBS and it included all
of your CBS favorites, including “Survivor,”
“Blue Bloods,” [ Laughter and applause ]
and, of course, “Young Sheldon.” [ Laughter and applause ] Democrats held their latest
primary debate last night and, I have to say,
it was really jarring to see the difference
between Bloomberg in the debate and Bloomberg in every ad break. [ Laughter ]
It was like when you see the TV version of a cheeseburger
from a fast food commercial [ Laughter and applause ]
and then you go there and you get one
and it looks like this. [ Laughter and applause ]
That’s Debate Bloomberg
right there [ Laughter ]
and this, this is Debate Bloomberg after Elizabeth Warren
got ahold of him. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering and applause ]
During last night’s — [ Cheering
and applause ] During last night’s debate, every candidate was asked
to share their personal motto. For example,
Amy Klobuchar’s was, “Politics is about improving
person’s lives,” and Elizabeth Warren’s was, “I will murder Mike Bloomberg [ Laughter and applause ]
with my bare hands.” According to a new report, the FCC received more
than 1,300 complaints about the Super Bowl
halftime performance by Jennifer Lopez and Shakira,
and I have to agree. It was not long enough! [ Laughter ] [ Raucous cheering,
whistling, and applause ] The heiress
to the Hot Pockets fortune was sentenced yesterday
[ Laughter ] to five months in prison
for her role in the college admission scandal and she’ll know
when her sentence is up because she’ll hear this sound. [ Microwave timer dings ] [ Laughter and applause ] According to a new study, men who eat a healthy
and balanced diet are more likely to have
a high sperm count, which explains Applebee’s
new salad. [ Laughter and applause ] That’s right,
a new study says men who eat an unhealthy diet
of sweets are more likely to have
a lower sperm count. Well, now we know why this guy
had to give his factory to someone else’s kid. [ Laughter and applause ] Now, we know! [ Cheering and applause ] A man in Florida was recently
arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see
his genitals. He’s being charged
with first-degree flapjacking. [ Laughter and applause ] The owner of a professional
soccer team in Romania recently claimed that his team
lost three games in a row because they were having too much sex
with their girlfriends, which angered the players
almost as much as it angered their wives. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Fresh laughter ] A man in Wisconsin
was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken
wings and condoms from Walmart. His crime? Planning the best night, ever! [ Cheering and applause ] Heinz will reportedly release
a new condiment this year, called mayoracha, which combines
mayonnaise and sriracha. So, if you like mayonnaise
and you like sriracha, you’re gonna love toilet paper. [ Laughter and applause ]