-You just got back
from traveling. Where were you? -I was all over the place,
but for the last few months, few months leading up to the
holidays, I was in India. -Yeah, you were in India.
-Whoo! -What were you doing there?
Can we say what you were doing? -I was —
I’m shooting a TV show, a new TV show for Apple.
-Oh. -An adaptation of the novel
“Shantaram.” -Ah. And how —
It didn’t really go — I mean, the shooting went well,
and the project is great, but you didn’t have
the best time in India. -No, there were some challenges. I had a series of pretty
significant health issues that, as they went on,
seemed like a series of
assassination attempts. I got a — I got
a lung infection which turns into
a sinus infection. And then I got conjunctivitis
in both my eyes. [ Audience groans ]
Then I got an ear infection. Then I got strep throat,
then a bacterial gut infection. And then I got bitten
by a mosquito and contracted dengue fever. [ Audience exclaims ] -It is —
[ Laughter ] -Thank you.
[ Applause ] -They should have
put you in a box, and I had to touch you.
I mean, wow. -It was kind of confounding,
’cause I kind of pride myself on having impeccable
personal hygiene, but I think some of those things
sometimes go against you. I think my immune system
was too delicate because I’m too clean. -You’re too clean, so you got to
get out there and just start — -You got to roll around
in the mud a little bit. -Yeah.
-Yeah. -But you have a weird kind of
history of almost dying. -I do. I do. This year particularly. It was a strange year. -Hopefully it’s over with. -Well, we’ll see. I mean, I had a mosquito
in my room last night. -That doesn’t count.
That doesn’t count. -But it’s New York,
and it’s January, and I was on the eighth floor. -Think he’s, like,
a super mutant mosquito? -You know, I was worried,
because I don’t — I don’t know the ins and outs
of dengue fever. You have it for a period of
time, but then the antibodies
stay in your body, obviously, ’cause you have to get tested, and that’s the way
antibodies work. And I wondered,
if that mosquito bit me, does then that mosquito
contract dengue fever, and then the next person
who checks into that hotel — These are the things
you got to ask yourself. These are the things that I stay
up late night worrying about. -You’re trying to save lives
out here. -I am. You know, I’m doing
what I can for the people. -[ Laughs ] Wow. -It was a weird year.
It started off getting a — I went camping, and I got a deer
tick that burrowed into my leg, and I did not contract
Lyme disease, ’cause I once
had gotten a deer tick in the highlands of Scotland, which I didn’t even know
had Lyme disease, and I got Lyme disease. But I didn’t get Lyme disease. But a very strange thing
happened to me when I went camping
a few months later. I went out looking
for firewood one day, and it was end of the season.
It was kind of picked dry. And so I was pretty far
from my camp. And I was just wearing
some sweatpants and a t-shirt. And there were three trees
fallen into a triangle, and in those trees
was a mother lode of firewood. So I said,
“Alright, here we go.” And I got up, and I was… crouched down like this
picking up firewood, and all of a sudden, wham, like, a snakebite
in the perineum. -Where’s — The perineum,
where is that? -The perineum is that sweet
piece of no man’s land between the anus
and the scrotum. -Okay.
[ Applause ] -Alright, so —
-That is a suboptimal place to get bitten by a snake. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, a snake jumped out and — -So, I —
That’s what it felt like. And I look down,
and there was no snake. So I was trying to process
what could have happened, and, bam, another shrill pain
in my ass cheek. -Okay. -Then one
in the back of my head, and then one under my armpit, and I realized I was under siege
from yellow jackets. I’d kicked over
a nest of yellow jackets. And as I was processing
this angry swarm coming at me — Sorry. I’m very bad
at microphone etiquette. As I was processing
this swarm coming at me, I got stung about another
10 times in about 5 seconds. So I took off running, as any,
you know, heroic figure would. I took off sprinting
through the forest and ran for about
a minute and a half and stopped to see
what was happening and immediately bam, bam, bam, got stung about
another five times. Now I’m starting
to get really worried, you know? I don’t know much
about yellow jackets. But I assume 20 bites
is probably — or stings is probably reaching
the threshold. -[ Laughing ] Oh, my God. -So, I ripped
all of my clothes off. I kicked my shoes off,
and I took all my clothes off. -Yeah.
-And then — And then put my shoes back on
and continued sprinting completely naked. [ Women cheering ] And this is all true. I realized at that moment I was
actually inside a nightmare, a recurring nightmare. I for many years had had this
recurring dream that I was — a nightmare that I was sprinting
for my life naked in a forest. In that moment, I was literally inside —
-Living — -I was living
my recurring nightmare. -Oh, my goodness. -And I haven’t had
that dream since. So it was something of
a prophecy or something, right? So I’m going to start — I’m going to start taking —
[ Cheers and applause ] I’m gonna start taking these
dreams a little more seriously. -That is unbelievable.
-Yeah. -So it was not a snake at all. -No.
-But, gosh, that’s awful. Did you have to go
to the hospital? -I did, but I —
Well, you know, it’s funny. I was very sick that day. And
my — I was with my girlfriend, and she went and got the park
ranger. I mean, we were way out. And she went and got a ranger,
and he came and looked at me. He said, “You’re probably
going to be okay.” And I was sort of okay that day, and then two days later,
I got very, very sick. And I spoke to my doctor,
and he said, “You had probably so much venom
in your system that your body starts to create
antibodies to fight the venom.” And then if I got stung again, because I have those antibodies
in my system now, I could have a bad reaction. So I’m supposed to carry
an EpiPen, but of course,
I’m an idiot, and I don’t. -Maybe you got superpowers
for a day. -Maybe.
-Like, maybe you — -They didn’t do me much good
in India, let me tell you. -No, that’s true.
[ Laughs ] I forgot about India.
Never mind. Yeah. -So it was a strange year, 20– But we’re in a new decade now. -Here we are. Yeah.
-We’ll see. -Oh, please. It’s going to be
the best year for you yet.