Loneliness is a problem in modern Japan. In fact, there are companies throughout Japan that provide fake families for people who are lonely. I’m not making this up. And I thought, why don’t I get a fake family while I’m here, in Tokyo? I have now been in Japan for two days. Mm hmm. And I am very lonely. (laughing) I have two children who show me very little respect. Oh. And I have a wife who is tired of my jokes. (laughing) My father and I get along pretty well, but I honestly think I could do better. I would like a new father that would apologize for some things that happened between us in the 1970’s. Specifically, when he lost his temper in the kitchen because I spilled a bowl of creamed corn. And then he didn’t let me watch The Love Boat that night. And I’m told it was a very good episode. Yeah. Bea Arthur was on it from the Golden Girls. She’s a divorcee who meets a man who she’s interesting in and it turns out that he’s a scam artist. He’s played by Harvey Korman. Quick question. The wife, what are the boundaries with this woman that I choose? Oh, hug and shake the hands, but no kissing? So, just like my current marriage? Wife?
Yes. She looks very beautiful. Thank you. May I ask how old she is? Oh, 48? Okay. It is close to my own age. Mm hmm. So, this is a no. (laughing) Yes, I’m from Los Angeles, and a man my age is required by law to marry a woman who’s 25. This is a possible son. How old is he? 35?
(laughing) I don’t have a, I could not have a son who is 35. (laughing)
Sorry. No, he’s too old to be my son, and also I’m worried my fake son is gonna run away with my fake wife. Who is this? How old is she? That’s very good. I think she has a good sense of humor. Do you have any father candidates? Oh my god. I feel like I’ve already disappointed him. Oh. Hey wait a minute, now we’re talking. Look at him, he looks pleasant. Good guy? Square, I like that. My father, my wife, and my daughter. And they will be my family while I’m in Japan? Mm hm. If I’m really enjoying my fake family, what’s the maximum amount of time I can retain their services? Three years? I could have them for three years? You don’t need to check with her, she’s 12! (laughing) My current family won’t give me three more years. Also, one more question. Is it possible for me to rent someone who could pretend to be a bully who was mean to me in high school and I can beat the shit out of him? You’re the most impressive person I’ve met in my entire life. (laughing) I bow to you, I honor you. Okay, I swear to god this is real. I left Family Romance about an hour and 20 minutes ago. I am back in my hotel room in Tokyo, and I have a family. This is incredible. The wife, my daughter. I am now your father. And she thinks I’m the coolest dad in the world. Okay, yeah. Another thing that’s important to me is that I am very funny. When I tell a joke, I would like it if you all really laughed and thought it was funny. Could you explain to them? Could you do that? Could you laugh if I tell a joke? Okay let me ask you a question. Do you guys like ramen? Yes we do. Not me, I like my men cooked. Please tell them to laugh. (laughing) This is so much better. So you’re all down for the tree year deal, three years? (laughing) Not everything’s a joke. (laughing) Okay, I’m worried now that if I tell her, oh I just came back from the doctor and I only have a year to live. (laughing) Awful. Dad, nice to meet you. How are you? Fine, thank you. Maybe you can begin by apologizing. Just say I was wrong to yell at you in the 70’s. I was wrong in the 70’s. You were wrong in the 70’s, right. Yeah, 1978 when I spilled the creamed corn, you say I was wrong, I apologize. I am sorry about the creamed corn. (laughing) Dad, come here. Come on. That’s fantastic. It would mean a lot to me if you said I like you more than your brothers. I like you more than your brothers. Yes, I’m the best one, right? Yes of course. You are my favorite son. Yes! Again hugging, I like the hugging. I’ve now hugged you more than I’ve hugged my real father. You guys wanna go see Tokyo? Yay! (playful music)