Equifax. Some people know them
as a credit reporting agency. Others know them
as a player hater that stops you
from buying your couch. Well, you may remember
that they were at the heart of a massive data hack
and now we’re finding out how it all went down. Good evening. It was one of the
biggest cyberattacks in history: stealing the personal
information of nearly half
of all Americans, from our Social Security
numbers to birth dates. Now, in a stunning
announcement, the U.S. Justice Department is accusing a branch
of the Chinese military with the 2017 hack of the
credit rating company Equifax. REPORTER: The Chinese team
hid their tracks by using 34 servers
in nearly 20 countries. The FBI believes China
also hacked Marriott, the U.S. government’s
personnel office and insurance giant Anthem as it builds a massive
database on every American. That’s right–
China is allegedly stealing people’s private information to build a massive database
on every American. And you know somewhere right now
Ma-Mark Zuckerberg is like, “Back off, China,
that’s my thing.” But seriously, though,
I don’t-I don’t understand this. Like, China is beating the U.S.
in everything now. Why would they steal
Americans’ information? Unless it’s just to rub it
in everyone’s faces, you know? It’s just like,
“Ha, ha! I know the answers “to your security questions.
Your first car was a Kia? What a bitch.” What’s even weirder
is that they say China also may have
hacked Marriott. And, I mean, I get credit
agencies, insurance companies and the government, but why
are they hacking hotels? What, are they just gonna
tank the U.S. economy by adding charges
to the minibar? Is that what they’re doing?
No, ’cause let’s be honest– like, everyone is just three
Toblerones away from bankruptcy. We’re out.
Those minibars don’t play. And I know some people are
saying that China’s doing this so that they can steal
Americans’ identities. Yeah, but if that’s true,
the joke’s on them, because half of Americans
are in debt. Yeah. So if the Chinese steal those
identities, it’s gonna backfire. It’s like,
“I am Bryan Taylor now.” It’s like, “Okay, Bryan Taylor,
you owe Verizon $400.” “No!” All right, moving on
to some education news. Every public school
struggles to raise money for its students and teachers. But a fundraiser at one
elementary school in California might have backfired. REPORTER:
Disney sent a $250 bill to a California
elementary school after it showed last year’s
remake of The Lion King at a PTA fundraiser. On Thursday a Berkeley
elementary school received a letter
from Disney’s licensing agent and the letter ordered
the school to pay the money for screening the movie last
November without a license. CHILD:
The Disney place wanted some money because they own,
like, all of the movie. They showed the movie
that they own, so they want the 250 dol… Well, kin…
They kind of want the $250. Oh, no, young man. Disney doesn’t “kinda”
want the $250, Disney’s gonna get the $250. Yeah, right now,
somewhere Yoda is like, “My money bitch better have.” So, yeah, Disney
sent a $250 bill to an elementary school
for showing The Lion King. Meanwhile, the producers of Cats
are giving $250 to every school
that shows their film. “Please, play the movie,
play the movie. Please. You can use this
instead of spanking the kids.” “We’re not monsters.” Now, I’m, like…
This is what’s get… I’m sure there are
many schools in America that play Disney movies
and don’t get busted. So what I want to know is… who snitched?
Huh? Is there, like, one kid
who had one of those toy phones that calls Mickey Mouse directly
and was just like, “Mickey, I got
some valuable information.” Mickey was like,
“Oh, oh, I’m on the way! I’m gonna break some kneecaps!” It’s like, who is this kid? All right.
And, finally, Valentine’s Day is just three days away.
So, first of all, if you were planning to break up
with someone, too late. Now you have to wait
another week. But if you’ve already been
broken up with, here’s a little gift
you can get for your ex. Valentine’s Day
fast approaching, and we have the perfect idea
for a very unique gift for a way to get back at an ex. The Bronx Zoo
is once again letting people name a Madagascar hissing
cockroach after their partner. That gift’ll only
cost you 15 bucks. If you’re looking for a way
to feel better about a recent breakup,
zoos in San Antonio and El Paso, Texas will name
a cockroach after your ex. Then– check this out–
you can watch a livestream of that roach
being fed to an animal. -Really?
-(audience hooting, applauding) Really? Man. I feel bad
for the cockroaches. They can survive a nuclear war
but they can’t survive Alan and Janet’s
Saturday at Ikea? Really? And I’m sorry,
but anyone who does this deserves to get dumped.
They deserved it. Yeah. Because you clearly don’t know
how to deal with your feelings. It’s like, “Melissa
thinks I’m too emotional? Well, I’ll show her
by making a cockroach die.” Also, what a cumbersome way
to get revenge on your ex. Like, because they won’t know
it happened. Right? Unless you tell them. It’s not like they’re gonna be
somewhere, like… (gasps) “Oh, no. A cockroach
with my name just died.” You’re gonna have
to call your ex and let them know what you did.
Is that the plan? Just be like,
“Guess what, Susan. “I named a cockroach after you. Then a lizard ate it.” It’s like, “Uh, okay, Greg. I just had my third kid
with the guy I left you for.” “Okay,
so-so we’re both good then. “Huh. Three kids? Okay, bye. Hello, Bronx Zoo? I need
three more cockroaches, please.” Also, can we admit that this is
a scam that the zoo is running? Buy a roach from them
and they’ll kill it? No. You can just find a
cockroach in your own apartment, yeah, name it after your ex and then start dating it.