The royal family. They’re like the Kardashians, but less welcoming
to black people. It’s been a month
since Harry and Meghan announced that they wanted
to leave the family, and now, they’ve been told
that they’re free to go, but they got
to leave their name tags behind. MAN: Harry and Meghan
will soon be royals no more, at least publicly. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex
released new details about their plan to step down
from formal royal duties, including an agreement
with the queen to not use the world “royal”
in any future philanthropic or commercial pursuits. Though they will
formally retain their “royal highness” titles, they will no longer be able
to use them after the transition
takes place on March 31. Damn. Harry and Meghan
are losing their titles? That’s the most embarrassing
royal loss since William’s hairline. (laughter) But, yes,
the queen has announced that Harry and Meghan can
no longer describe themselves as “royal.”
And I won’t lie. If I was Harry and Meghan,
I’d be like, “Fine. Then we’ll be known
as ‘Roy-al.'” (laughter) It’s actually pretty funny
how petty the queen is being. But basically,
you know what she’s doing. She’s trying
to turn Harry and Meghan from the official royals
to the store brand. That’s what she’s doing. Like, you know
how the store brand is kind of like the brand name,
but just off, like, slightly. Like, Frosted Flakes
will have Tony the Tiger, but then, the store brand
is a weird polar bear. Yeah? So that every morning,
you have to look at the box while you’re eating cereal,
and you’re like, “I wish my mom didn’t buy you!” (laughter) But I’ll be honest. I don’t think the queen is
gonna win this one, because it’s not like Harry
and Meghan need those titles for us to know who they are. No one hears names like “Harry”
and “Meghan,” and they’re like, “Which Harry and Meghan?
The ones from Nashville? -Is that them?”
-(laughter) Anyway, let’s move on from
people celebrating their freedom to someone who’s gonna be losing
his freedom for a long time. Disgraced movie mogul Harvey
Weinstein has been found guilty of rape in the third degree and of committing a criminal
sexual act in the first degree. The jury acquitted him
on three other charges, including the most serious
of predatory sexual assault. Throughout the whole process,
he kept saying, “I didn’t do this.
I didn’t do this.” But, of course, now he faces
five to 25 years in prison, at least,
with more possibly coming, uh, with additional charges,
new charges out in Los Angeles. Yes, people, it’s official. Harvey Weinstein is going
to prison, which is crazy,
because he already looks like he’s been in prison
for 25 years. -(laughter, applause)
-Seriously. Weinstein is not going
to do well in prison, all right, partly because other prisoners already don’t like
sex offenders, but they really don’t like some
of Harvey Weinstein’s movies. Yeah. They’re gonna come up
to him in the prison yard like, “I wasted nine dollars
on Mansfield Park! That shit was a disgrace
to Jane Austen!” You know what would be funny
is if they lock up Weinstein in the same cell as Bill Cosby.
Yeah? ‘Cause I can tell you then, no one is falling asleep
in that cell. “You go to sleep!”
“No, you go to sleep!” “No, you go to sleep!”
“No, you go to sleep!” -“No!”
-(laughter) All right, and finally,
let’s move on from Harvey Weinstein
to another plague on humanity– the coronavirus. The disease
that started in December in China is now taking off
around the globe. Breaking news overnight
on the coronavirus outbreak. Yeah, experts say the world
has reached a tipping point to prevent a global pandemic after a surge of cases
outside of China. WOMAN 3: The biggest outbreak
outside of Asia is in Italy, where cases spiked from three to more than 150
over the weekend. MAN: About a dozen
Northern Italian towns are now in lockdown. Normally bustling
Medieval villages turned into virtual ghost towns. Officials in Venice canceling
the rest of the city’s famed carnival festival. Officials in Milan, Italy’s fashion and financial capital
taking extreme precautions. This fashion show
by Giorgio Armani deserted. Models walking the runway
in a room full of empty chairs. Yes, the coronavirus
has officially shut Italy down. Fashion shows– cancelled. Soccer matches– canceled. Even the Statue of David
is playing it safe. (laughter) And by the way, I really do
find it interesting how, when the coronavirus hits
a country, you learn
what that country is all about. Right? It hits Italy, and it stops fashion shows
and soccer matches. In China, it stops
all manufacturing plants. Like, I’ll bet if it hits
France, they’ll be like, (French accent): “We have
to reduce physical contact. Everyone is limited to just
one mistress. Ha, ha, ha!” (laughter) Now the big news… the big news
that’s really concerning is that the World Health Organization
says we are reaching a tipping point where the virus
could become a pandemic. So if you have a bucket list, now’s the time to do it,
my friends. Yeah. If you want
to skydive, do it now. If you want to swim with sharks,
do it now. If there’s that woman at work
you’ve always wanted to kiss, stay away from her!
Didn’t you learn anything -from Harvey Weinstein?!
-(laughter) Also, she might have
coronavirus. (cheers and applause) Yeah. Want to know…? You want to know
what I put on my bucket list? “Don’t get coronavirus.” -(laughter)
-Checkmate.