-You guys probably know
what a casserole is. A casserole is a meal
where you throw a bunch of different kinds
of food into a dish and you sort of cook it up, and what you get
is what you get. And the reason I bring that up is we here at “Late Night” come
up with tons of different ideas all the time for the show.
And many of them are great. But many of them
aren’t quite enough to be full, complete sketches, a full meal, if you will. But instead of just
throwing all those ideas away, we thought we’d throw them
together casserole style in a segment we call
“Late Night Casserole.” ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Alright, so
here’s our first idea. It was okay but probably not
good enough for a full sketch. You remember Hummels. They’re
the small porcelain figurines that depict German children in various scenes
of pastoral imagery. Well, one of our writers thought
wouldn’t it be funny if we updated Hummels for 2020. So, we’re going
to display that now in a segment we call,
“New Hummels.” ♪♪ -[ German accent ] New Hummels! [ Applause ] -Here’s our first new Hummel,
everybody. It’s called, “Boy on a Toilet.” [ Laughter ] And as you can see,
he’s texting. [ Laughter ] That right there,
that’s a new Hummel. [ Laughter ] -[ German accent ] New Hummels! [ Laughter ] -Okay, this one’s called — It’s a new Hummel. And it’s called,
“Girl and Baby Cow.” But these guys are —
They’re vaping. [ Laughter and applause ] She’s vaping,
and then, the cow’s — The cow’s vaping. That’s another new Hummel. -New Hummels! [ Laughter ] -And then this last new Hummel
is called, “Just Hanging Out.” And it’s a group of kids,
and they’re just hanging out while they all
drink White Claws. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] And that’s a segment
called “New Hummels.” ♪♪ -New Hummels! [ Cheers and applause ] -Now, see,
if that was a full sketch we’d have to do
like nine more of those. Next up,
one of my writers thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny
to have a balloon drop during Casserole
like they do during New Year’s?” But instead of hundreds
or thousands of balloons like they do in Times Square, we only want to drop
one balloon. “A” balloon drop. [ Laughter ] But to make it more dramatic, we’re going to have a countdown
to the balloon drop. So, in exactly three minutes
no matter where we are, we’re going to have our “Late
Night Casserole” balloon drop. So that means
this is going to go on for at least three more minutes. Let’s start the clock.
There we go. Hey, you guys know those
phone sex hotline commercials? Yeah. Well,
one of my writers wondered, “Hey, what if, like, instead of
women with sexy voices, those commercials
featured the voices of the adults from
the ‘Charlie Brown’ cartoons?” [ Laughter ] And so we wasted money
and shot this. [ Laughter ] -Are you lonely? Looking to meet someone new? Then call the “Charlie Brown”
Adults Only Hotline now to make a very special friend. -Hey, talk dirty to me. -Wa wa wawa wa wawa. -Slower, slower, slower. -Wa wa wawa wa wawa. -Yeah, yeah, just like that. -So, uh, what are you wearing? -Wa wawa wa wawa wa wawa. -Good grief. -The “Charlie Brown”
Adults Only Hotline. The Great Pumpkin isn’t the only
thing that will be coming. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, I don’t know
if you’ve ever been online and run into
these things that are — They’re called online
porn name generators. And what they are is sort of
a fun way to enter information and get what your porn name
would be. One of our writers
thought it would be fun to do a segment about that,
to do a live porn name generator that definitely couldn’t —
Once we read it, we didn’t think it could
stand alone as a sketch. But we liked the idea.
We thought we could have him come out and explain
how it works. Here’s Jermaine, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] So, Jermaine, explain to us
how this segment would work. -Alright, so, well,
I would come out dressed like a scientist.
-Okay. -And then the sketch
would kind of go like this. I’d start off
by explaining, you know, that there are a lot
of websites out there that claim they can
give you your porn name. But we here at “Late Night” have developed
highly advanced technology, a highly advanced machine which can scientifically
generate your real porn name. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -Then I would
bring the machine out. -You’d bring it out, yeah.
-Yeah. It’s named
“The Porn Namer XXX 69.” -Uh-huh, yeah,
alright, that’s great. -You know why. -No, that’s really funny.
It’s good. -Yeah. It’s part of the segment.
-Yeah. -And so — And then
The Porn Namer XXX 69, it would look kind of like
this machine right over here.
-Oh, there’d be a machine? Okay. -Yeah. So, look at it. -So, gotcha. So we’d walk over. In the sketch, we’d, like,
walk over to the machine. -Yeah, in the sketch, we’d go —
if it was happening. -Yeah, if this was a sketch,
this would be what would happen. -Yes, yeah. -And so just explain
how the machine would work. -Alright, so
The Porn Namer XXX 69 is a highly advanced
piece of machinery that was designed to give you the most scientifically accurate
porn name possible. -Sure, yeah.
-So let me turn it on. -Yeah. Oh, you turn it on?
-Just going to turn it on, yeah. -Oh, that’s very nice. Great. -[ Muttering indistinctly ]
Do this right here. -Okay, great. Oh, wow, I like that. -I’m gonna hit this button.
-Okay. [ Whirring ]
Whoa. -Alright, so now I’m going
to ask you some — -10, 9…
-Oh, one second. -8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
-8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! -♪ Celebrate good times,
come on ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Okay, so — [ Cheers and applause continue ] So, where were you? -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] Just need to get
some information from you. -Yeah, okay.
-So, what’s your middle name? -My middle name is Adam. -Okay, and what’s the street
you grew up on? -Milwaukee Avenue. -Okay. Great, so I’m just going
to enter that all in here into the front end processor.
-Okay. -So, that’s in there right now. Now I’m going to scan your palm
on this palm scanner. So, spread your fingers out. Great. Alright, so
while that’s being processed, I’m going to take a sample
of your DNA. -Okay.
-Do a little swab. Stick your tongue out. Yeah, alright, great. I’m going to put it here
into this sequencer. -Gotcha. -Now, the sequencer,
it basically determines the order of the four bases
of your DNA and reports them
as a text strand. -Wow, that sounds complicated. -Yeah. So now this DNA sample is broken down
into smaller particles. And those particles
are accelerated using a particle
synchrotron booster. And once they’re
at high energies, they — the particles
sort of collide. And that gives us
the adequate information we need to determine
your precise porn name. -Okay, gotcha.
So, what would happen next? -So, all your information
is in here. The machine is doing its job. And I’m going
to push this button, and it’ll print out
your porn name. -Let’s do it. -Here it comes. Alright, Seth. So, your real porn name
is Paul Dick. [ Laughter ] -Great. And so —
[ Cheers and applause ] So, if we had done this sketch, what would the next few beats
have been? -The way I thought of it, you
know, the machine would spit out a bunch of other, like,
dumb, bad porn names. -Yeah.
-Like, you know, Matt Sex, Jessica Pornography,
that sort of thing. Right. Yeah. -So it probably would have
petered out. -Somewhat —
Yeah, maybe. Probably. -Yeah, yeah.
[ Laughter ] And, you know, I was wondering
when you wrote this how the machine would work. And you promised me
that there would be a way to build a machine
where a name would come out. And then I couldn’t help — When
I walked over from the desk, I actually saw how it worked. And I wouldn’t mind showing it
off to everybody right now. -Sure. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] -The Porn Name Generator,
everybody. Get out of here, Jermaine. [ Cheers and applause ] And finally, we usually
don’t like to end Casserole on a somber note. But if you’ve ever
watched an awards show, I’m sure you’ve seen
the In Memoriam honoring the people we’ve lost
this past year. Well, one of our writers
wanted to see an In Memoriam. For those of us in New York,
of course, this would really resonate,
hit home. It’s the dropped food
on the sidewalks and streets of our fair city. So please welcome Amber Ruffin
singing, “I Will Remember Food.” [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ I will remember food ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Will food remember me? ♪ ♪ I dropped my food
on the street ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Weep not for my fallen treat ♪ ♪♪ ♪ I’m so hungry
but I can’t eat ♪ ♪ Standing on the sidewalk,
food is at my feet ♪ ♪ It’s funny how I feel so much
but cannot say a word ♪ ♪ My pizza’s on the ground ♪ ♪ Now it’s [bleep] getting eaten
by some birds ♪ [ Laughter and applause ] ♪ I will remember food ♪ -♪ Do bee dahm do dahm do dahm ♪ -♪ Will food remember me? ♪ ♪ I dropped my food
on the street ♪ ♪♪ -♪ Do bee dahm do dahm do dahm ♪ -♪ Weep not for
my fallen treat ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Give it up for Amber,
everybody. That’s “Late Night Casserole.”