-Despite an ongoing recount in Florida’s Senate
and gubernatorial races, Republicans
are claiming they won and the recount
should be stopped, which is exactly what
happened in the 2000 election. So, why does this
keep happening in Florida? Here to talk about it
is Broward County native and one of our writers,
Ally Hord, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thanks, Seth. So, why is Florida always
at the forefront of election controversies? Short answer —
Florida is hell in a swamp. Which I’m allowed to say
because I grew up there, specifically Fort Lauderdale,
which was founded by a drunk possum
at a wet T-shirt contest. Now, I know what
you’re thinking. “But, Ally, you’re from Florida,
and you don’t seem too bad.” Wrong. I’m terrible. I had a belly-button ring and lost my virginity
on a trampoline. -Ally, I feel like we’re
getting away from the recount. -Oh, right.
The recount. Okay. The recounts happen because of
negligence, corruption, and general stupidity
in Broward County. For instance, a high percentage
of Broward residents didn’t vote for Senator this
year because, according to them, the ballots were too confusing. You know,
like shaving or sleeves. It also didn’t help that
some poll workers just left boxes of ballots at
the polling locations, like post offices, schools,
and Hooters, which, in some parts of Florida,
are the schools. I actually graduated
from Hooters High on Old Dixie Highway. We were the Fighting Owls. I’m kidding.
Our mascot was a breast. -Ally, the recount. -Oh. Right. Okay. So, how will Florida
handle this recount? Not great. In 2000, the
Supreme Court stopped it and gave Bush the win because
Florida was taking too long. Of course it was.
We are old and slow in Florida. The Florida state bird is a
pelican in a wheelchair. And now the same thing
is happening again. Officials gave Florida a
recount deadline of Thursday, which they definitely
won’t make. And, even worse, the deadline for military absentee ballots
is Friday. So they’re just not going
to count those ballots. If democracy wasn’t a concept, Florida would roll it up
and smoke it. And these recounts never
bode well for Democrats, because Republicans are
very good at using bad-faith arguments
to claim certain ballots just don’t count. Remember hanging chads? Gay clubs in Fort Lauderdale are still getting
a lot mileage out of that one. This year, however, the big
excuse for throwing out ballots is something called
signature mismatch, which I don’t even get, because
most signatures in Florida are just spilled barbecue sauce. So if I can leave you
with one thing it’s that Florida is a mess,
the people are confused, and the system is corrupt. Don’t hold your breath that
Democrats will get any justice, because the only justice in
Broward County is Rick Justice, an exotic dancer at
LeBare’s Male Revue on Oakland Park Boulevard. Get $5 off the cover charge with
the code word “trampoline.”