NASA, America’s most expensive way
of collecting rocks. If you wanted to be an astronaut
when you were a little kid, first of all,
congratulations on being basic. And secondly,
this may be your big chance. You want to be an astronaut? Well, you better know
how to swim. NASA is looking
for a new crop of cadets willing to take the plunge in hopes
of reaching outer space. NEWSMAN: The odds of being
selected are pretty low. NASA only needs
about 20 trainees for the next class. Officials say degrees in math, science and engineering
are required, and you have to have
a master’s degree. So, if you think
you’ve got what it takes to survive not just
the neutral buoyancy pool but an actual mission in space, well, the next astronaut class
opens up on Monday. (chuckles):
Apply then. (laughing) Why are we laughing? Thank God this guy is covering
NASA and not a tornado. “Everyone here
is now homeless or dead.” (laughs) But yes, NASA is looking
for new astronauts. But you can only apply
if you have a master’s degree and are
in peak physical condition. Basically,
you have to be an athletic nerd, which doesn’t exist. That would be like
Neil deGrasse Mike Tyson. That’s what you’ve got to be. “It’s time
to discuss supernovas.” (laughter) I’m joking, Mike. Now, uh, I’ll be honest, I-I think NASA’s standards
are too high. Like, you-you shouldn’t need a master’s degree
to go to space. You just need two things. One: you need to know
how to walk in slow motion. Just like… And two: you need courage. That’s all you need.
You know who NASA should hire? Those people who buy sushi
at 7-Eleven. That’s-that’s what you need
in space. “I see you aren’t afraid
of taking risks. You want to…
want to fly to Pluto?” All right, in other news, remember
the massive admissions scandal that rocked American colleges
last year? Well, yesterday, one big parent
got the biggest sentence yet. NEWSMAN:
This morning, the heiress to the Hot Pocket
snack food fortune is heading to prison
after a judge handed down the harshest sentence yet in
the college admission scandal. -(timer dings)
-♪ Hot Pockets. ♪ She understands the harm
that her choices caused. She understands the impact that those choices had
on students. NEWSMAN: Michelle Janavs
sentenced to five months behind bars
after pleading guilty to paying bribes
to get her two daughters admitted to elite universities. That’s right,
the Hot Pockets heiress was sentenced
to five months in prison. Although,
after two and a half months, they’ll take her out,
flip her over and then put her back in. (laughter and applause) By the way… By the way, can we admit
“Hot Pockets heiress” is a very weird phrase
that is somehow both trashy and extremely upper-class
at the same time. You know, it’s like, “Introducing the archduchess
of scratch-off lottery tickets.” (laughter) Now, some people will be like, “Oh, five months doesn’t seem
like a long time in prison.” But it really is, especially
if you’re a rich white woman. I mean, for them,
that’s basically life. Think about it.
By the time you get out, your book club has moved on
to a totally new book. If you go to prison in August, you’ll completely miss
pumpkin spice season. And worst of all, your kids will have completely forgotten
who you are. Yeah. You’ll be back like,
“It’s me, your mom. The woman the nanny gives you to
on the weekends. Remember?” But on the other hand, she might come out of prison
with all new ideas for fillings for Hot Pockets,
you know? Yeah. She’ll be back
in the boardroom like, “All right, guys.
Forget that ham and cheese shit. “We’re doing toilet wine
and cigarettes. Come on. “Gonna put a shiv
inside each one “so if anyone steps
to Aunt Becky, they can catch a fade.” And finally,
for all those ladies out there who are sick and tired
of how expensive tampons are, you might want to consider
moving to the Highlands. In Scotland, Parliament
has just approved plans to make sanitary products
freely available to all women. Yeah, it’s the first nation
in the world to do this. Now, the law would make tampons
and sanitary pads available at designated public places, places like youth clubs
and pharmacies. In 2018, Scotland became
the first country in the world to provide
free sanitary products in schools, colleges
and universities. Yes. Congratulations, Scotland,
on being the first country to make sanitary products free
to all the women who need it. Yeah. I think it should be like
this everywhere, you know? -(cheering and applause)
-It really should. Because i-if you think about it,
it’s crazy that half the population
has to pay so much for a natural process
in their body. I mean, imagine if there was,
like, a tax on boners. Yeah. I would have been bankrupt
by the time I was 13. (laughter) Part of me wonders if this law
was passed by mistake. You know, maybe someone
in Scottish Parliament was just like, “We need to fix
our bloody problems.” And someone’s like,
“Aye, all right. Free tampons for everyone.”