-It seems like there’s so much
going on right now. Tomorrow is the Democratic
primary in South Carolina. Vice President Mike Pence is leading the response
to the coronavirus. Lady Gaga just released a video
for her new song “Stupid Love.” [ Cheers and applause ] And Dunkin’ Donuts
is now offering an item called Snackin’ Bacon that’s literally just
a bag of bacon. [ Cheers and applause ] There’s a lot to go over,
so let’s just jump in and cover it all at once.
It is time for a News Smash. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -First up,
the South Carolina primary. This is a big one. The winner gets one step closer
to the Oval Office, while the losers get one step
closer to being Vice President. Mike Pence is in charge
of handling the coronavirus, but he’s not a doctor
or a scientist. He got about as much experience
with this as Lady Gaga. Her new video is awesome. She sings and dances
in an alien desert. People love it.
They haven’t been this excited since they saw Dunkin’ Donuts’
bag of bacon. That’s all it is. It’s just a bunch
of old, wrinkled meat, which is also
how you could describe the South Carolina primary. It’s the most diverse state
that’s voted so far. [ Cheers and applause ] It’s not like Iowa
or New Hampshire which are basically “all white,
all white, all white.” [ Laughter ] If Pence doesn’t do a good job, the virus could do
a lot of damage. But you know what else
can do a lot of damage? A bag of bacon.
If you keep eating that stuff, your cholesterol
is going to go Gaga. In the video, she’s got pink
hair and a revealing outfit. She’s pretty much the exact
opposite of Mike Pence. If he doesn’t fix things soon, it could cost Trump
the election. Joe Biden needs a win,
or his campaign could be fried. [ Laughter ] So, in conclusion, Ga-ga. Go-go. Uh-oh. Hell no. [ Cheers and applause ] As I said, tomorrow is
the Democratic primary in South Carolina.
And based on some early polling, it looks Joe Biden
is in the driver’s seat. Though even his aides we like, “I’m not sure we should let this
guy drive, even metaphorically.” [ Laughter ] That’s right, it looks like
South Carolina will Ensure that Biden has momentum
on Super Tuesday. Hopefully it will give him
the Boost his campaign needs. Will it lead to Biden
winning the nomination? Depends.
[ Laughter ] Things are getting tense before
the South Carolina primary. Mike Bloomberg just released
the results of a cardiac test and encouraged Bernie Sanders
to do the same. In response,
Bernie said he’ll release them as soon as Moses brings them
down from Mount Sinai. [ Laughter ] I saw that — [ Laughter ] I saw that — I saw that —
[ Laughter ] I saw that — ♪♪ I saw that —
[ Cheers and applause ] I saw that — I saw that — I saw that — I saw that — I saw that — -Funky. -I…saw that Democrats are actually struggling
to get attention ’cause the news have been
dominated by the coronavirus. You can tell Tom Steyer wants some of that coronavirus
publicity. Today, he was begging voters
to cough in his mouth. [ Laughter ] -♪ Too real, too real,
that joke was too real ♪ ♪ You know that joke
was too real ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Everyone — [ Laughter ] -[ Whistles ] -Was that too real? -Yeah, it was real.
-Too — Too — -♪ Too real, too real,
that joke was too real ♪ ♪ Too close to the bone,
it’s too real ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -But everyone is talking
about the coronavirus. Experts are telling people
to wash their hands and to avoid coughing
and sneezing on other people. And if you weren’t
doing that already, what the hell is wrong with you? What are you —
Sneezing on people? Today the White House complained that the press is exaggerating
the virus to hurt the president. They were like, “Don’t forget
the real victim in all this — Donald Trump.” [ Laughter ] -♪ Too real, too real,
that joke was too real ♪ ♪ Too close to the bone,
it’s too real ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Trump keeps weighing in
about the virus and now says it could disappear
or it could get worse. [ Laughter ] So let’s just say if you
heard that from your urologist, you’d be looking for
a new urologist. Okay? Meanwhile, people are
still criticizing the speech Trump gave
about the coronavirus. But Trump says he knows a lot
about this stuff and actually considers himself
a medical expert. For example,
Trump thinks the drug Zoloft is the snowman from “Frozen.” [ Laughter ] “I love Zoloft.
He makes me laugh. [ Laughter ] I’ve seen it 100 times.” [ Laughter ] Next up, Trump thinks shingles is what you throw at strippers
at the club. [ Laughter ] Up next, he thinks a pap smear
is this guy. [ Laughter and applause ] “I love Pap Smear. You got to respect his — what
he says, respect his words.” [ Laughter ] And finally, Trump thinks
malaria is his wife. [ Laughter,
cheers and applause ] He’s a little confused. -Too real. -Listen to this.
A new survey found that 38% of Americans
won’t buy Corona beer because of the coronavirus. [ Laughter ] While the other 62%
was like, “Relax. That’s what the lime is for.
It sterilizes the beer.” [ Cheers and applause ] [ Gulping ] Listen to this. I saw
that Cap’n Crunch is coming out with his own pancake mix that’s got actual pieces
of cereal in it called Berrytastic Pancake Mix. Take a look at this. Yeah. Berrytastic Pancake Mix, as in, “Cause of death —
Berrytastic Pancake Mix.” [ Laughter ] Listen to this. A new study says
that the average parent hasn’t had a romantic date
in three years. “Sounds about right,”
said parents currently eating the macaroni and cheese
their kid wouldn’t finish while standing over a sink. [ Laughter ] And finally,
a Florida man was arrested for offering to show
everyone at an IHOP his genitals at 3:00 a.m. Authorities couldn’t believe it. They were like, “Where does
this guy think he is? A Waffle House at 2:00 p.m.?” We have a great show!