-Let’s get to the news. President Trump
and First Lady Melania Trump visited the Taj Mahal
today in India and it must’ve been upsetting
to Trump that that Taj Mahal has been there for 400 years, but his declared bankruptcy
after a year. [ Laughter ] On India today, President Trump
and First Lady Melania Trump visited Mahatma Gandhi’s
former home. Said Trump… [as Trump]
Cool. Where’s he live now? [ Laughter ] Nicer place? [ Laughter ] Disgraced movie mogul
Harvey Weinstein was convicted today
in his sexual assault trial. Ah! You mean the walker
didn’t work?! [ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, man. He’s really, really gonna [ Laughing ] As a legal strategy, he’s really gonna have
to step it up at sentencing and just arrive in a hearse. [ Laughter ] -President Trump on Friday attacked the South Korean
movie “Parasite” for winning the Oscar
for Best Picture, and claimed it should only
have been allowed to compete in the foreign film category. Yeah! Because, if you
wanna do business in the… -[muffled] United States. [ Laughter ]
-…you should speak the languash. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering
and applause ] [ Applause ] A group of peacocks in Florida
is being relocated after residents complained
that birds were being too aggressive
and defecating on roads. [ Laughter ]
Incidentally, the peacocks had the same complaint
about Florida residents. [ Laughter and applause ] “This used to be a nice town.” [ Laughter ] KFC has launched
a new chicken sandwich that uses glazed doughnuts
in place of buns. [ Ohs ]
So, no matter what you order, you’re gettin’ breasts. [ Laughter ] Yeah, it takes a — [ Cheering and applause ] Worth the wait. Officials at a library
in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot
in the building. I’m guessing
in the friction section? [ Laughter ] [ Oohing ] [ Laughing ] I was so proud of myself. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Laughs ] Producers have announced
that the sitcom “Friends” will air a reunion special
on HBO’s new streaming service. [ Cheering, whistling,
and applause ] Later this year, when asked why
they’re bringing the show back, producers explained
that they were on a break! [ Laughter and applause ] And, finally,
a high school in England is facing criticism after handing out a pamphlet
to students listing 101 ways to show someone
that you love them, other than having sex,
including things like “Each suck on one end of a long
piece of spaghetti,” or, as it’s more commonly known, doggy style.
[ Laughter ]