SHREK (narrating): “Once upon a time, there was a movie called “Shrek”.” “”Shrek” was widely-acclaimed for its subversive humor, realistic farts and sincere heart.” “It truly was…the greatest story ever told.” “People began to gather from all across the land to celebrate “Shrek” and to be loud.” “It was through this strange obsession that the story was born anew.” “And over 200 storytellers were brought together to weave the tale again, each in their own style, in a single, unified retelling.” (chuckles)
Yeah right! Like THAT could ever happen! What a load of– [Indie folk music]
♫ Somebody once told me ♪ ♪ the world’s gonna roll me ♪ ♪ I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed ♪ ♪ She was looking dumb with ♪ ♪ a finger and thumb in ♪ ♪ a shape of an L on her head ♪ ♪ Well those years start comin’ ♪ ♪ and they don’t stop comin’ ♪ ♪ Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin’ ♪ ♪ It didn’t make sense ♪ ♪ to live for fun ♪ ♪ when your brain gets smart ♪ ♪ but your head gets dumb ♪ ♪ And there’s so much to do ♪ ♪ and so much to see ♪ ♪ So what’s wrong with takin’ ♪ ♪ the backstreets? ♪ ♪ You’ll never know ♪ ♪ if we don’t go ♪ ♪ You’ll never shine ♪ ♪ if you don’t glow ♪ ♪ Hey now ♪ ♪ You’re an all-star ♪ ♪ Get your game on ♪ ♪ Go play ♪ ♪ Hey now ♪ ♪ You’re a rock star ♪ ♪ Get the show on ♪ ♪ Get paid ♪ ♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪ ♪ Only shooting stars break their mold ♪ *More instruments join the Song*
♪ Hey now ♪ ♪ You’re an all-star ♪ ♪ Get your game on ♪ ♪ Go play ♪ ♪ Hey now ♪ ♪ You’re a rock star ♪ ♪ Get the show on ♪ ♪ Get paid ♪ ♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪ ♪ Only shooting stars break their mold ♪ ♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪ ♪ Only shooting stars break their mold ♪ ♪ Go…go-woah ♪ ♪ Go-woah ♪ ♪ Go-woah ♪ ♪ Go-woah ♫ VILLAGER: You think it’s in there? Alright! Let’s get it! VILLAGER 2: Woah, hold on! Y’know what that thing could DO to you? VILLAGER 3: Yeah! It’ll grind your bones to make its bread. SHREK: (Chuckles) Yes, well, actually… …THAT would be a giant. *SCREAMS* Now, ogres? Oho, they are MUCH worse. They’ll make a soup from your freshly-peeled skin. They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! …actually, it’s quite good on toast. VILLAGER: BACK! Back, beast! I warn ya! *Squish* *DISTORTED ROAR* *DISTORTED ROARS AND SCREAMS* *DISTORTED SCREAMS* SHREK: (Whispering)
This is the part 
where you run away. *SCREAMING!!* SHREK: (Chuckling) And STAY out! “Wanted: Fairy tale Creatures”? Hmmm… GUARD: Take him away. ᵀᴴᴵˢ ᶜᴬᴳᴱ ᴵˢ ᵀᴼᴼ ˢᴹᴬᴸᴸ DONKEY: I promise, I’ll never be stubborn. PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE! Woman: Shut up! GUARD: ‘Ello! Oi, whatchu got? MAN: This is a work of art birthed from my tears. I call it Jellokin. To ensure its formal consistency, I spell his name differently,
each time I speak it. PINOCCHIO: I’M NOT A PUPPET! 𝐈’𝐦 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐛𝐨𝐲. GUARD: That would be 5 shillings
for the possessed toy. CAPTAIN: Take it away. CAPTAIN [Text-To-Speech]:
𝙽𝚎𝚡𝚝, 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚘𝚝? WOMAN: Well, I’ve got a talking Donkey! 𝚁𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝, 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝’𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍
𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝟷𝟶 𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝. Go ahead, little fella! 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕… Oh, he’s just–he’s just a little nervous. He’s really quite the chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt! 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝’𝚜 𝚒𝚝, 𝙸’𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑.
𝙶𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚜! No, no! He talks! He does… “I can talk, I LOVE to talk!” “I’m the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw!” 𝙶𝚎𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚢 𝚜𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝. No no, I swear! DONKEY [Child’s Voice]: Hey! I can fly!! PUPPET 1: He can fly! CAPTAIN [Child’s Voice]:
He can TALK! DONKEY [Child’s Voice]:
That’s right, fool, now I’m a flying TALKING Donkey! You may have seen a house fly, maybe even a SUPER fly… but I bet you ain’t never seen a DONKEY FLY!! Ha-HA! Uh-ohhhhh. Ouch! CAPTAIN [Child’s Voice]:
Seize him! DONKEY [Dialogue from “Pretty Liars 1”]:
AUUGHUAAAAH…AUHH! CAPTAIN [Dialogue from “Pretty Liars 1″]:
WHY ARE YOU RUNNING? WHY ARE YOU RUNNING??? CAPTAIN [Child’s Voice]:
You there?…Ogre? [another child’s voice]
Aye. By the order of Lord Farquad I’m authorized to place
you BOTH under arrest and transport you to a resettlement facility. Oh, really? You and what army? (Chuckles) Can I, err, say something to you? What?? Listen, you were really,
really somethin’ back there, man. Incredible! ARE YOU TALKIN’ TO… …me? SHREK: Waugh!
DONKEY: Yes, I WAS talkin’ to you! Can I just say that you were really great
back there, man, those GUARDS? They thought they was all of that and
then you showed up and BAM! You got ’em tripping like Babes in the Woods!
Man, that was really good to see. Well, that’s GREAAAT! Really– Man, it feels good to be free! How about you go celebrate
yer freedom with yer OWN friends? Hmm? Well, err…I don’t have any friends! And I’m NOT going back out there by myself! Waitaminute, I’ve got a reallygreat idea!
I’ll stick with CHU!! [hyper-exaggerated]
OH HEY SHREK, IT’S ME DONKAY I HAVE OVER 150 FUN PHRASES I CAN SAY (GHOULISH YELL) (GHOULISH BELCH) EurRRUUUUGH!! You almost burn’t the hair out of my nose! This is just like that time– (MUFFLED TALKING) –I ate some rotten berries. I had all types of gases coming out of
my butt that day, A-HA-HA! (FART)
I had all types of gases coming out of
my butt that day, A-HA-HA! WHY are you following me?? I’LL TELL YOU WHY (SPIT) ♫ I’m all alone ♪ ♪ There’s no one here beside me ♪ ♪ My problems have all gone ♪ ♪ There’s no one to deride me ♪ (FART)
♪ There’s no one to deride me ♪ ♪ There’s no one to deride me ♪ ♪ But you gotta have friends– ♪ STOP SINGING!! DONKEY: ♪ … ♫
SHREK: It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends! Wow. Only a TRUE friend would be that truly honest! Listen, little donkey…take a look at me.
What am I? Uhhhh… …really tall? No! I’m a FOCKIN’ OGRE!! You know… …”Grab your torches and pitchforks!” Doesn’t that bother you? …nope! REALLY?? Really, really! Oh… Man, I like you.
What’s your name? Uh…Shrek. You got that sort-of “I don’t care what
people think about me” vibe and I respect that. Ah jeez, who’d want to live in a place like that? …that’s m’hurm. (Nervous chuckle) And it’s LOVELY! Beautiful, I mean just look at it,
how well you did on such a modest budget! I like that boulder, that’s a nice boulder. [movie clip]
“Where’re the white women at?” [media clip]
“Everybody hates me.” [Danny DeVito clip]
“LOOK. IF LIFE PUSHES YOU DOWN,
YOU GOTTA PUSH BACK.” “IF YOU’RE DEALT A BUNCH OF LEMONS YOU GOTTA TAKE THOSE LEMONS
AND STUFF ‘EM DOWN SOMEBODY’S THROAT UNTIL THEY SEE YELLOW.
YOU GOTTA DO THE ONLY THING THAT’S LEFT–” Will you shut your mouth? [media clip]
“SHREK 3-D?!” WHAT??? Y-you gotta let me come in and spend the night!
S-Somebody’s chasing me, there’s a guy after me I swear to god, I’m not making it up!
I’ll go in the guestroom,
I’ll close the door, you won’t even know I’m here! Do you agree to this? YEAH!! [media clip]
“Really?” NO!!! [media clip]
“MAAARIO, PLEEEEASE!!” [media clip]
“Okay, for ONE day only.” [poor quality audio of kids yelling] [MIC BEING BEATEN] [clips]
“WHAT ARE YOU–”
“NONONO” “STAHP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” In the morning?
I’m makin’ ♫ Waffles ♪ ♪ Waffles ♪ ♪ I’m makin’ Waffles ♪ ♪ M-making Waffles ♪ ♪ I’m makin’ Waffles ♪ ♪ May-may-makin’ Waffles ♫ C’mon like…t-t-t-this is not okay. No. I will not tolerate this. [Eric Cartman clip]
“Oh my GOD dude, look how dirty and
crappy everything is!” GET UP ON OUTTA HEEEEEERE!! [Bender from “Futurama” clip]
“YEAH, well… I’m gonna go build my OWN
theme park! With blackjack and hookers…” (Donkey sobs) (FART) GREAT GOOGILY MOOGILY, DONKAY!! (GUTTERAL SCREAMS) [anime clip]
“Nani?? (なに)” “Hmmmmmm?” (METAL GEAR SOLID ALERT SOUND)
(GASP) [British accent attempt]
I am blind and thus don’t know what I’m doing and therefore I should not be held
responsible for my following actions. (SQUEALS!!) [casual American accent]
Uh, dude, I can’t SEE???? (CENSORED) Where am I? WHERE AM I?? Who sent yer? LORD FAIR QUAD?? You’ve stolen too much tyme from mehhh. I DOO NOT like that! GET OUT!! (sobs) I’ve had it with thes fairy tale creatures
in me fairy tale story! (GHOULISH GASP) [child’s voice]
oh no no! nooo!! WHAT. ARE YOU DOING. IN MY SWAAAAMP!?!? (GASP) FAIRY TALE CREATURE:
“Oh dear!!” (SQUEAK) [Stern American]
Alright, all of you get off my lot right now and I own a baseball bat,
so don’t drag your feet. YOU MEAN IN HERE?? No no! NO NO NO NO!!
That’s a gift from Babe Ruth! Be careful with tha– (LOUD BASH!!) Shrek, I would never invite these
knuckle-dragon, neanderthal Jimmy Neutron-esque horror shows into your swamp. NO ONE INVITED US. WhauuuuUAAAAAAHT? WE WERE EXILED LIKE LEPERS! Please don’t tell me it was LORD FARQUAAD.
SHREK: Lord Farquaad. Of course. He HOOFED and he POOFED and
he overtook the capital PIG: and then he came through my window and
levitated over my bed while I was sleeping… Alright, that’s enough.
PIG: and then he came through my window and
levitated over my bed while I was sleeping… PIG: and then he came through my window and
levitated over my bed while I was sleeping… OK.
PIG: and then he came through my window and
levitated over my bed while I was sleeping… PIG: and then he came through my window and
levitated over my bed while I was sleeping… I get–I get the story.
PIG: and then he came through my window and
levitated over my bed while I was sleeping… (Crickets) ATTENTION ALL… …FAIRY TALE…THINGS… DO NOT GET COMFORTABLE!
(GASP) YOUR WELCOME HAS OFFICIALLY WORN OUT. [Zany, Goldthwait-esque]
IN FACT, I’M GOING TO SEE THIS GUY
FARQUAAD, RIGHT! NOW!! AND GET YOU ALL OFF MY LAND
AND BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!! (RAPTUOUS CHEERS) վɑվ!! [Intensely Deep]
𝕻𝖍𝖊𝖜. 𝕳𝖚𝖍. 𝕹𝖔. 𝖄𝖔𝖚, 𝖄𝖔𝖚 𝖆𝖗𝖊 𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖜𝖎𝖙𝖍 𝖒𝖊. [computer voice]
𝙷𝚎𝚎-𝚢𝚊𝚠! 𝙽𝚘𝚠 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚐𝚘 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝! 𝚂𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚔 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙳𝚘𝚗𝚔𝚎𝚢, 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚘𝚏𝚏 𝚘𝚗 𝚊 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚋𝚒𝚐 𝚌𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚊𝚍𝚟𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎! 𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 I𝚝. [Strained, energetic human voice]
♫ ON THE ROAD AGAIN! ♪
Sing it with me, Shrek! ♪ I CAN’T WAIT TO GET ON THE ROAD AGAIN ♫ [Monsterous yelling]
WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SINGING?? – Can I whistle?
– NO!! – Can I hum it?
_ (Mumbles favourably) (Donkey hums) [cackly, witchy]
THELONIUS! Oh my god! Ugh, don’t scare me like that. (FARQUAAD CACKLES) A-heh-hem! RUN RUN RUN, AS FAST AS YOU CAN YOU CAN’T CATCH ME I͟’̷͠͠M͡͝ ͘TH̨̕È ̸̷̛ǴI̢N̨͞҉G͟͞E̢R̶B̀Ŗ̧̕Ȩ́A̴͏̛D̀́͜ MÀN̛͘ You’re a MONSTER! I’m not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me…where are the others? Eat me! I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures,
but my patience has reached its end. Now TELL ME, or I’ll– NO! Not the buttons!!
Not my gum-dropped buttons! Alright then, who’s hiding them? OK, I’ll tell you… …do you know the Muffin Man? The Muffin Man? The Muffin Man. Yes, I know the Muffin Man,
who lives on Drury Lane? Well…she’s married to the Muffin Man. The MUFFIN MAN? THE MUFFIN MAN!! She’s married to the Muffin Man… My Lord, we found it. Well then, what’re you waiting for?
Bring it in! (MAGIC SPARKLY SOUNDS) GUARDS: Wow! Ohh! (Tenderly)
Magic…mirror… DON’T TELL HIM ANYTHING! NOOOOOO!! Evening! Mirror mirror on the wall…
isn’t this the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you’re not a king. Uh, Thelonius? You were saying? What I mean is, uh…you’re not a king YET.
But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a Princess. [Bit-crushed]
Go on. Heh. Heh. (Not Responding) (PC STARTUP SOUNDS) (HEAVY BREATHING) [Computer voice]
𝙱𝚊𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎 𝙽𝚘. 𝟷 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚋𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚞𝚝-𝚒𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚊 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚍𝚘𝚖 𝚏𝚊𝚛, 𝚏𝚊𝚛 𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚢. 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚜𝚞𝚜𝚑𝚒 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚘𝚝-𝚝𝚞𝚋𝚋𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎. 𝙷𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚘𝚋𝚋𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚕𝚞𝚍𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕 𝚜𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜. 𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝙲𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚊. (MANIACAL LAUGH) 𝙱𝚊𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎 𝙽𝚘. 𝟸 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚌𝚊𝚙𝚎-𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚊 𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝚏𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚢. 𝙰𝚕𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝟽 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚎𝚗, 𝚜𝚑𝚎’𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚢. 𝙹𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚔𝚒𝚜𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚍, 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚣𝚎𝚗 𝚕𝚒𝚙𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚜. 𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚗. 𝙶𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚞𝚙 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚂𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚆𝚑𝚒𝚝𝚎! (BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH TONE) (PHONE RING) 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚌𝚎𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝙱𝚊𝚌𝚑𝚕𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎 𝙽𝚘. 𝟹 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚏𝚒𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚛𝚎𝚍𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚊 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚐𝚘𝚗-𝚐𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚌𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚑𝚘𝚝, 𝚋𝚘𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚊𝚟𝚊. 𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚘𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚘𝚏𝚏. 𝚂𝚑𝚎’𝚜 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚙𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚕 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚙𝚒ñ𝚊 𝚌𝚘𝚕𝚊𝚍𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚐𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚊𝚒𝚗. 𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛’𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚌𝚞𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝙵𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊! [MIDI cover of
“Piña Colada Song” by Rupert Holmes plays] (FIREWORKS) Princess…Fiona! She’s perfect. All I have to do is find someone who can go– But, I should PROBABLY mention
a little thing that happens at night– I’ll DO IT! Yes, but after Sunset– Silence. I will make this Princess Fiona my Queen
and Duloc will finally have the perfect King! Captain, assemble your finest men! [Snarky]
We’re gonna have a frickin’ TOURNAMENT! [Strange computer voice]
thαt’ѕ ít thαt’ѕ ít ríght thєrє, thαt’ѕ dulσc!
í tσld чσu í’d fínd ít. [Strange computer voice, but deeper]
ѕσ…thαt muѕt вє lσrd fαrquααd’ѕ cαѕtlє. DONKEY: uh-huh, thαt’ѕ thє plαcє! dσ чσu thínk mαчвє hє’ѕ cσmpєnѕαtíng fσr ѕσmєthíng? (cнυcĸleѕ) hєч wαít, wαít up ѕhrєk! hєч, чσu! (trєmвlєѕ)
SHREK: wαít α ѕєcσnd! lσσk, í’m nσt gσnnα єαt чα! í juѕt…í–í juѕt… (Shrek ѕíghѕ) ít’ѕ quíєt. tσσ quíєt. whєrє íѕ єvєrчвσdч? hєч, lσσk αt thíѕ! [Jaunty, electronic circus music]
♫ wєlcσmє tσ dulσc, ѕuch α pєrfєct tσwn ♪ ♪ hєrє wє hαvє ѕσmє rulєѕ, lєt uѕ lαч thєm dσwn ♪ ♪ dσn’t mαkє wαvєѕ, ѕtαч ín línє
αnd wє’ll gєt αlσng fínє ♪ ♪ dulσc íѕ α pєrfєct plαcє ♪ ♪ plєαѕє kєєp σff σf thє grαѕѕ,
ѕhínє чσur ѕhσєѕ, wípє чσur… ♪ ♪ fαcє ♪ ♪ dulσc íѕ, dulσc íѕ ♪ ♪ dulσc íѕ α pєrfєct plαcє ♫ wσw. lєt’ѕ dσ thαt αgαín! nσ, nσ! nσ nσ nσ!! (whíѕpєrѕ)
nσ. (HORN FANFARE) (DONKEY IS SUPER EXCITABLE) [Shrill, pitched-up Scottish accent]
A’ight, you’re going th’ right way fer a
smacked bottom. [Massively pitched-down]
Oh, sorry about that. The champion shall have the honour…no no, the PRIVILEGE… of going forth and rescuing
the lovely Princess Fiona… …from the fiery keep of the Dragon! FARQUAAD: If for any reason,
the winner is unsuccessful… …the first runner-up shall take his place.
And so on and so forth. Some of you may die… …and its a risk I’m willing to take. (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Let the tournament begin! “NANI??!” (AUDIENCE GASPS) It’s hideous! Well, that’s not very noice,
he’s just a donkay. Indeed. Knights! New plan:
First one to kill the Ogre is the champion. Have at him. Woah, woah, woah! ((The following dialogue
is spoken in Japanese)) (Hard techno plays) ♫ I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ‘BOUT MY REPUTATION ♪ ♪ YOU’RE LIVIN’ IN THE PAST,
IT’S A NEW GENERATION ♪ ♪ AND A GIRL CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO
AND THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO ♫ (Nervous quivering) (CHEERS) (DONKEY HAWS) (Clank) This is Christine Chandler,
I’ll be depicting Scene 23. CHRISTINE [narrating]:
as Shrek exits the ring, the crowd cheers. [Christine voicing Shrek]
“Yeah! Uh! Yeeah!! Oh…” The bad guy…I forget his name,
communicates to the armed forces and Shrek becomes a bit offended
and Donkey is scared. KNIGHT:
“Shall I give the orders, sir?” BAD GUY:
“No, I have a better idea.” “PEOPLE OF DULOC,
I GIVE YOU OUR CHAMPION!” The crowd cheers.
“What??!” “Congratulations, Ogre!
You’ve won the honour of… going on a…great and noble
…quest!”, says… …my god, I forget his name still. “I’m already on a quest,
a quest to get my swamp back!” “YOUR swamp?” “YEAH, MY SWAMP,
where YOU dumped those fairy tale creatures!” “…okay. Alright, Ogre,
I’ll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me
and I’ll give you your swamp back!” “EXACTLY the was it WAS?” “Right down to the last
slime-covered toadstool.” “And the SQUATTERS?” “As good as gone!” (WEAPONS CLINK) “…what kind of quest?” And I guess that’s it for Scene 23 of Shrek. (Sniff) DONKEY:
OK, let me get this straight:
You’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a Princess, just so Farquaad
can give you back a swamp which you only don’t have because
he filled it with freaks in the first place! Is that about right?
(Shrek sighs) Y’know what? Maybe there’s a good
REASON Donkeys shouldn’t talk. Eh, I don’t get it, Shrek.
Why don’t you just pull some of that Ogre stuff on ’em? Y’know, THROTTLE ’em! Lay siege to his fortress. Grind his bones to make your bread.
Y’know, the whole Ogre trip! OH! I know what, maybe I could’ve
decapitated an entire village and put their head on a pike,
got a KNIFE, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids! Does that sound good to you? Uhhhh… …no, not really, no. [Pitched-down voice]
For your information, there’s a lot more to Ogres
than people think. [Perky female voice]
Like what? OK, example, err OK errm… …Ogres are like…onions! (Sniff-sniff) …they stink? Yes–NO. Oh, they make you cry! NO! Oh! You leave ’em out in the Sun,
they get all brown, start sprouting little white hair– NO!! LAYERS! SHREK:
Onions have Layers, Ogres have Layers. Onions have Layers… You get it?
We both have layers! Oh okay, yeah, you both have lay-ers. Huh. Y’know, not everyone likes onions. …CAKE! Cakes have layers, EVERYBODY loves cake! I don’t CARE what everyone likes. Ogres…are not…like cakes! [Super casual English voice]
Y’know what everyone else likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say,
“Hey, let’s go get some Parfaits” and they’re like “Hey no, I don’t like no Parfaits”?
Parfaits are delicious! NO!! You dent, irritating
miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions, end of story! Bye-bye! (Whispers)
See you later. Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet. SHREK:
Y’know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY:
Do ya have a tissue or summthin’?
I’m making a mess. Just the word “Parfait”
makes me start slobbering. (Sniff-sniff) DONKEY:
[Extremely high-pitched]
OOH SHREK, DID YOU JUST DO THAT? YOU GOTTA WARN SOMEBODY
BEFORE YOU JUST CRANK ONE OFF, MY MOUTH WAS OPEN AND EVERYTHING! BELIEVE ME, DONKAY. IF IT WERE ME? YOU’D BE DEAD! (Snort)
It’s Brimstone! We’re gettin’ close. DONKEY:
YEAH RIGHT, BRIMSTONE! DON’T BE TALKIN’ ABOUT “IT’S THE BRIMSTONE” I KNOW WHAT I SMELL,
IT WASN’T NO BRIMSTONE. DIDN’T COME OFF NO STONE, NEITHER. Sure, it’s big enough,
but look at the LOCATION! (CANNED LAUGHTER) Uh, Shrek? Remember when you said that, err… …t-that Ogres have layers? Oh? Aye? Well, I have a bit of a confession to make, err… Donkeys don’t HAVE layers! We… …we wear our fear right out
there on our sleeves. (Chuckles)
Wait a second, Donkeys don’t have SLEEVES! (CANNED LAUGHTER) You know what I MEAN, Shrek!
You KNOW what I MEAN!! Well, you can’t tell me YOU’RE afraid of heights! Nooo, I’m just a little bit uncomfortable
’bout being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of LAVA!! Come on, Donkey… I'm right here 
beside you. (Sarcastic)
For emotional support! DONKEY:
Really? Really, really. Okay, that makes me feel so much better. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (THUNDER)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA [Donkey’s inner monologue]
“Don’t look down…don’t look down… [Donkey’s inner monologue]
…don’t look down…don’t look down…” (Australian Bushworld voice)
SHREK, I’M LOOKING DOWN!! (SCREAMS!!) GOD I CAN’T DO THIS,
JUST LET ME OFF ON THE OTHER END PLEASE! BUT YOU’RE ALREADEH HALF-WAEH! (Sassy, pitched-down voice)
But I KNOW that half is safe! Okay FINE, I don’t have time for this!
You go back. SHREK, NO, WAIT! Donkey… …let’s have a DANCE then! WAIT SHREK! NO! (SCREAMS)
DON’T DO THAT! (Sarcastic)
Oh, I’M sorry! Do what? Oh… …this?~ YES, THAT!! Yes? …yes, “do it”. Okay~ (SCREAMS)
NO, SHREK!! DONKEY:
NO, STOP! STOP!! SHREK:
You just said “do it” and I’m doing it~ OH GOD, I’M GONNA DIE!
I’M GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA DIE! (WHINES) Oh. 𝙏𝙝𝙖𝙩’𝙡𝙡 𝙙𝙤, 𝘿𝙤𝙣𝙠𝙚𝙮.
𝙏𝙝𝙖𝙩’𝙡𝙡 𝙙𝙤. (EAGLE SCREECH) Cool. So, where’s this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck, anyway? Inside, waiting for us to rescue her! HA-HA-HA-HEH!! DONKEY:
…I was talking about the dragon, Shrek. DONKEY (whispering):
…you afraid? [Very butch]
No. But… …shhh! Oh GOOD, me neither! (YELP) DONKEY:
‘Course, there’s nothing WRONG with…being AFRAID. Fear is a…a sensible RESPONSE to an
unfamiliar situation! Unfamiliar DANGEROUS situation, I might add,
of the dragon that breathes fire and eats Knights and breathes fire.
It sure doesn’t mean you’re a COWARD, if y– …if you’re a little SCARED. ‘Cause I sure as heck ain’t no coward! (LOUD CLANKS) Donkeh?
Two things, okay? Shut. Up. Now, go over there and see
if you can find any stairs. STAIRS?! I thought we was
looking for a princess! What makes you think she’ll be THERE? I read it in a book once. Cool.
You’ll handle the dragon, I’ll handle the stairs. I’ll find those stairs. I’ll whip their butt, too! That’s right! (Chuckles)
Most stairs won’t know WHICH way they’re heading. [Very Kermit-esque voice]
FEAR NOT, SHREK! I AM AN EXCELLENT STAIR-STEPPER! THAT’S RIGHT STAIRS, WATCH OUT DONKEY’S GONNA STEP AAAAAALL
OVER YOU!! Well, at least we know where the Princess is! But where’s th– DRAAAAA-GOOOOOOON!!!!! (SCREAMS!!) (TOY SQUEAKS) (GROWL) (TOY SQUEAKS!!) DONKAEH, LOOK OUT! Augh! (PK FIRE) (TOY SQUEAKS) GOT YER! OHH!! (SHREK GRUNTS) Wha-WOAH!! WOAH! WOAH! WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (SMASH!!) (Very nervous muttering) Oh, no no NO! Augh! Oh no…no, AUGH!! OhhhHHH, SURE!
I mean of COURSE you’re a girl dragon… DONKEY:
You’re just REEKING of feminine beauty! What’s the matter with you,
you got something in your eye? Hey–oOOH…ohhh… …man, I would LOVE to stay but..
(Pretend cough) I am an asthmatic and I don’t know if it’d work out
if you’re gonna be blowing smoke rings– SHREK!!! (YELPS)
No, SHREK!!! SHREK!! (Sniff) SHREK: [Thick European voice]
WAKEY. UP! [Pitched-up]
What??! Are you Princess Fiona? I am! Awaiting a Knight so bold as to rescue me. Aww, that’s nice.
Now let’s GO! But wait, errm, Sir Knight! Does be-eth our first meeting,
should it not be a wonderful romantic moment? Yeah…sorry lady,
there’s no time. Hey, wait! What are you doing?? Y’know, you should sweep me off my feet
out the yonder window and down a rope onto a valiant steed! …you’ve had a lot of time to plan this,
haven’t you? Mmm-hmm! (Tiny creek) FIONA:
But we have to savor this moment! You could…recite an epic poem for me… …a ballad…a sonnet…a limerick… …or SOMETHING! I don’t think so. Well…can I at LEAST…
know the name of my champion? Errm…Shrek? Sir Shrek.
(Clears throat) I pray that you take this favor…
as a token of my gratitude. …thanks! (ECHOING FART) …you didn’t slay the Dragon?! It’s on my To-Do List,
now come on! FIONA:
But this isn’t right! You’re mean’t to charge in,
sword drawn, banner flying. That’s what all the other Knights did! Yeah…
right before they burst into flame. No–that’s not the POINT! Err…wait, where are you going?
The exit’s over there! Well, I have to save my Ass. What kind of Knight ARE you? One of a kind! DONKEY (smooth, casual American):
Slow down, slooow down, slow down. DONKEY:
OK baby, please, look.
I-I-I believe it’s HEALTHY to get to know each other DONKEY:
over a long period of time, y’know just…
call me old-fashioned…I-I-I just don’t wanna rush into a… …a PHYSICAL relationship,
I’m not emotionally ready for a… …commitment of t-this MAGNITUDE,
really, that’s the word I’m looking for “magnitude”… Ugh!!
That is UNWANTED physical contact! DONKEY:
Hey, what’re you DOING?? DONKEY:
Okay okay okay, look listen,
l-let’s back up a little and take this one step at a time… DONKEY (agitated American voice):
I mean, we should REALLY get to know each other first! Y’know, as FRIENDS, y’know.
Or maybe even as pen pals! DONKEY:
‘Cause I’m on the road a lot
and I just LOVE recieving cards! DONKEY:
And erm, look look,
well I just dunno what to say… (dry slurping noises) DONKEY:
HEYYY, what’re you do NOW???? (DONKEY MUMBLES NERVOUSLY) DONKEY:
No, no! NO NO NO! NoooOOO– (SPLAT) (SMOOCH!!) (ANNOYED GROWL) Ohh!! [Pre-teen’s voice]
HI, PRINCESS! It TALKS!! [sly English voice]
Yeah, getting him to shut up is the hard part. Aaagh! (ROARS IN SUPER MARIO 64) (TREMBLES) (PUNCH)
OOOF!! (SQUISHES) (POP!) SHREK:
Aaaaaah! DRAGON [Man in mask]:
(FEEBLE GROWLS) (SUFFOCATES) [Sly British voice]
Okay, you two, get to the exit. I’ll take care of the drag-on. (SLOW-MOTION YELLING) ALL THREE:
AAAHHH! (Toy squeak) (ROAR!!) (SCREAM!) (ROARS!!) (ROAR!) (Whines) (CRASH BANDICOOT SPIN) YEAH! Hee-heeeee, hoo hoo-hoooooooo!! (Ecstatic noises) (CLANK!!) (Chuckles)
Hee-hee, yaaaay! Hee-hee~ (Ecstatic noises) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh-bo-bo-bo
NOBLE STEEEEEEEED~ Stee-dee-DEED, dee-dee-dee-deeeed~ (Donkey’s very happy) (Ecstatic noises) Hel-mah!
(LIP POP) (GASP) (Reluctant noises) (Insistant noises) (Reluctant, excuseful noises) (Annoyed) Nooo. (Flirtatious) (Conflicted) (Unsure, instinctive) [Falsetto]
No, it’s destiny! You must know how it goes. A Princess, locked away in a tower,
who’s rescued by a brave Knight… (DEEP, GNARLY CORPSING) …and then they share…
True Love’s First Kiss. [Pained, posh accent]
W-w-what a minute… …you think Shrek is your True Love? Well…yes… (PAINED CHUCKLE)
(TINY, STRANGE CHUCKLES) (COUGH) [Timid, slightly nervous]
What is so funny?? [Intense]
Let’s just say…I’m not your type, OK? Of course you are, you’re my rescuer! Now, remove… …your helmet! [Strainingly intense]
I REALLY DON’T THINK
THIS IS A GOOD IDEA. Take off the helmet. [Sped up]
I’M NOT GOING TO! – Take it off.
– [Pitched-down] NO!! Now?… OKAY!! EAAASYYY!
As you command, your HIGHNESS. CREW MEMBER:
Hold u– You’re an… …Ogre… [Slightly Brookyln-esque]
Oh, so you were just expecting Prince Charming? Err, well, I mean…actually… (HEAVES EXAGGERATEDLY) No! This is so wrong,
you’re not SUPPOSED to be an Ogre! (Rubber snap)
PRINCESS, I was sent here
by Lord Farquaad to rescue you, okay? HE’s the one that wants to marry you! …well…why didn’t HE come rescue me? Good question!
You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my TRUE LOVE. Not some Ogre and…
…and his PET. Well, so much for NOBLE STEED! Look, Princess, you’re not making
my job any easier. Well, I’M sorry,
but your “job” is not my problem. You can tell Lord that if he wants to rescue me PROPERLY,
I’ll be waiting for him right HERE. Hey! I’m nobody’s Messenger Boy, alright?… …I’m the Delivery Boy. You wouldn’t DARE! – You coming, Donkey?
FIONA (muffled): PUT ME DOWN!! Oh yep, I’m right behind you! FIONA (muffled):
(SCREAMS) PUT ME DOWN OR
YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES. THIS IS NOT DIGNIFIED! [Computer voice]
𝙾𝙺, 𝚜𝚘 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎’𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗…𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎’𝚜 𝚊 𝚠𝚘𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚍𝚒𝚐𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝙷𝙴𝚁 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚢,
𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚍𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚢 𝚜𝚘 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚗’𝚝 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚋𝚞𝚛𝚗’𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚊 𝚌𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚙 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚗, 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝? [Female computer voice]
𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚑𝚎’𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚃𝚛𝚞𝚎 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛– FIONA [media clip]:
“UGH!” 𝙷𝚎𝚢!
…𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚎 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝙳𝚞𝚕𝚘𝚌, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛. 𝚈𝚎𝚊𝚑, 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚐𝚘𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎,
𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜. (CLIP-CLOP, CLIP-CLOP) DONKEY:
THIS IS BIG STINKY VIDEO,
I WANNA TAKE THINGS SKY HIGH-WARD. [Scottish accent]
DOON’T SAY THAT TO MY DONKAY.
KEEP THAT LIP SHUT! OH YOU A BIG STINKY PIG, ARE YA? YOU A BIG STINKY DONUT GIRL.
YOU EVEN GO ALL FREAK FOR THIS LITTLE BOY! (SMACK!!) Y’know Fiona, you might say men
of his stature are in SHORT SUPPLY! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
(LAUGHTER) THAT’S ONE TIIINY LITTLE FREAK! [American voice]
YEAH!! Donkey, that’s who we’re talkin’ about,
let’s keep this riff GOING! (NASALLY CHUCKLES) Yeah Shrek, slay that pig, my boy!! Lil’ Mom FREAK. [Scottish accent]
HE’S THREE FEET TALL AND HE
SMELLS LIKE PISS! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
(LAUGHTER) YOU COULD SAY A SMALL FREAK LIKE HIM
BELONGS IN A COFFIN. [American voice]
KILLED IT, DONK! DESTROYED IT, DONKEY!
WHAT’S UP?? [Scottish accent]
Because that Lord Farquaat is at my–LUNCH [American voice] B-Bring that lil’ tasty boy over here
and we’ll put him in MY stomach. (HAWS WITH DELIGHT) [Scottish accent]
SHUT THAT HOLE!! Ah, I’ll do what you say.
(WHIMPERS) (SHREK AND DONKEY WHIMPER) (Clears throat)
HEY! Over here!! DONKEY:
Shrek, we could do better than that! I don’t think this is fit for a Princess. [Falsetto]
No no, it’s PERFECT! Just needs a few home-y touches. …HOME-Y TOUCHES?!
Like what? A DOOR!… …well gentlemen, I bid thee goodnoight! Do you want me to read you
a bedtime story? I will! FIONA (through door):
I said GOODNOIGHT! DONKEY:
Shrek, what’re you doing? SHREK:
I just (Chuckle)…y-y’know, err… …oh COME ON, I was just kidding! [Extremely deadpan]
And err…that one? That one’s Throwback, the only Ogre to
ever spit over 3 wheat-fields. [Extremely deadpan]
Right, hey, yeah, can you tell me
my future from these stars? Well, the stars don’t tell the future, Donkey,
they tell stories. LOOK! There’s Bloodnut the Flatulent. hah hah.
Guess wh–he’s famous for, hah hah. – I know you’re making this up.
– No, look! There he is and there’s a group of hundreds running away from his stench. Man, that ain’t nothing but a bunch of little dots. Y’know Donkey, sometimes things
are more than they appear, hMMM? Forget it. ‘Sides.
Hey Shrek, when are we gonna
get our swamp back, anyway? – OUR swamp?!
– Y’know, when we’re through rescuing the Princess. – WE?! Donkey, there’s no “we”, there’s “OUR”.
– Hmm??! There’s just me and my swamp. The first thing I’m going to do is put a 10-foot wall around my land. You cut me deep, Shrek, you cut me real deep just now.
Y’know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. – No, do you THINK?
– Are you hiding something?
– Never mind, Donkey. – Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn’t it?
– No, this is one of those
“Drop it and Leave it Alooone” things. – Why don’t you want to talk about it?
– Why do you ALWAYS want to talk about it? – Why are you blocking? – I’m not blocking.
– Oh yes, you are. – Donkey, I’m warning you. – Who’re you trying to keep out?
– Everyone, okay!
– Oh, now we’re getting somewhere! – Oh, for the love of Pete!
– What’s your problem? What do you have
against the whole world, anyway? Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay?
It’s the world that seems to have a problem with ME. People take one look at me
and go “Ah, help, run, a big stupid ugly Ogre”.
They judge me before they even know me, that’s why I’m better off alone. DONKEY:
Y’know what? When we met, I didn’t think you was
just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. – Yeah, I know.
– So, err, are there any Donkeys up there?
– Well there’s, erm, Gabby the Small and Annoying. – OK OK, I see it now,
the big shiny one right there! That one there?
– That’s the Moon. – OK. [Gentle guitar music plays] ♫ Maybe the pain won’t go away
It always comes back ♪ ♪ So you believe that this
is all there is with nothing to track ♪ ♪ As you can see the place is turning
grey, so I’m coming on track ♪ ♪ and you could be better now,
should my own shell crack ♪ ♪ It’s a journey ♪ ♪ They say the destination
is long overdue ♪ ♪ A familiar sign
Guess this will be long too ♪ ♪ But I don’t see a way out
without you ♪ ♪ Yes Sir, you can play to
this old tune ♪ ♪ I don’t see a way out
without you ♪ ♪ I don’t see a way out
without you ♪ ♪ I don’t see a way out
without you ♪ ♪ Maybe the pain will go away
I want it gone bad ♫ FARQUAAD [super-low voice]:
Again! Show me again! Mirror mirror, show her to me,
show me the Princess! Ah…perfect! (VOCALIZING, SYNTH-VOICED) (WHISTLES, SYNTH-VOICED) (HIGH-PITCHED SYNTH VOCALIZING) (GLASSY BANG!!) ((The following dialogue
is spoken with Synthesizers)) (SHREK BURPS)
DONKEY [Left guy, Screeching]:
SHREK!! SHREK:
WHAT? It’s a compliment… …better out than in, I always say! WELL, THAT’S NO WAY TO BEHAVE
IN FRONT OF A PRINCESS! (FIONA BURPS) Thanks. WOW, SHE NASTY AS YOU, SHREK! (Chuckles)
Y’know, you’re not exactly what I expected. Well…maybe you shouldn’t judge people
before you get to know them. (FIONA VOCALIZES) [Bouncy French accent attempt] PICK UUUUP!
(FIONA SCREAMS) PRINCESS!! – Ha-ha-HAAA!!
– W-w-what are you DOING??? Be STILL, Cherie, for I am…your savior and I am rescuing YEEUU
from this big, green… (Palm kissed)
What??! Uh… …BEAST! (YELLING)
HEY!! That’s MY Princess!! Go find your own! PLEASE, monstur,
can’t you see I’m a little…BUSY righ’ nahw? Look, pal,
I don’t know who you think you are! Uh! Of COURSE, how rude of me–
(garbles) PLEASE allow me to introduce myself to yeww… …OH MERRIED MEEEEEEN!!! [Trap/Hip-hop beat starts] ♫ ((RAPPING))
We steal from the rich and give to the needy
I take a lil’ cup ’cause I ain’t greedy ♪ ♪ ((RAPPING))
I save bad babies, hell yeah I’m good
Who’s the man, yeah baby, that’s me Mr. Hood ♪ ♪ ((RAPPING))
I’m knockin’ on the spite and spice ’til I’m made
Yeah, I guess what I’m sayin’, is I like to get laid ♪ ((RAPPING))
“That’s bad”, that’s right, I’ll show you who’s beef
Make your knees blow when I shaft unleash ♪ ♪ ((RAPPING))
Put my strang on a thang make it twang-twang-twang
When I get to work, make ’em sang-sang-sang ♪ ♪ ((RAPPING))
Get ahead in the bush, grab a lady by the booty
Girl you better watch, ’cause I’m getting mighty moody ♪ [Music segues into an R’n’B song]
Girl, you know where this is goin’~ Yeah, I’m puttin’ my blade through your heart~ ♪ I’ve got my puss and my boots on ♪ ♪ You can ride on my Donkey ♪ ♪ Why my pants so tight around my body? ♪ ♪ I’m a MERRY MAN,
I’m not trying to hide it~ ♪ ♪ My bump is bulging and beatin’– ♫ (YELPS!!) (GASP!) [Stern, intimidating]
That song was an annoyance to ME! That’s it,
I’ve had enough of YOUR shenanigans! (SPLAT!) I’ve had about enough of THIS
particular situation, I’m gonna show YOU guys what happens when a GIRL fights…and it’s… …I’m gonna FIGHT. Well!
Let’s get a move on. SHREK [deep, doughy voice]:
WAIT, HOLD TH’ PHONE… [casual American] …woah woah WOAH,
where did THAT come from? FIONA: What?
– THAT, back there! That was amazing!!
Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone,
one must learn these things– There’s an arrow in your butt! Oh, would you look at that. Oh no, this is all my fault,
I’m so sorry! SHREK’S GONNA DIE!!! (Groans)
I-I’m worried its infected. DONKEY [Deep-voiced]:
What’s wrong? FIONA [Falsetto]:
Shrek’s hurt. DONKEY:
Shrek’s hurt–SHREK’S HURT?! Oh no, Shrek’s gonna die. [Very pitched-down]
Donkay, I’m oookaeyyy. You can’t do this to me, Shrek,
I’m too young for you to die! Keep your legs elevated, turn your head and cough,
does anyone know Heimlich?? Donkey? Calm down. If you REALLY wanna help Shrek,
run into the woods
and get us a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower with red thorns…
blue flower with red thorns… -What’re the flowers for?
– For getting rid of Donkey. – Oh, right.
– Now, YOU hold still and I’ll yank this thing out… AaaAAHH!! Wait, no! – But we’ve gotta get it outta there!
– It’s TENDER!! Co–would you? UGH!!
Stand still! No, wait,
what you’re doing is the OPPOSITE of help! Time out! Time out! H-hold on… Okay, what do YOU propose we do? Blue flowers, red thorns
Blue flowers, red thorns Blue flowers, red tho–
This is much easier if I wasn’t colourblind. Blue flowers, red thorns
Blue flowers, red thor– (PAINED NOISES) …hold on Shrek, I’m coming! [Exaggerated, thick American]
OWWWW!! OWWWWWWWWWWWW!! It’s fine…ju–
stop talking. It’ll be over soon. Ahh!…Oohh! (DONKEY COUGHS) No!! NO!!
I know what you’re THINKING. No–Donkay, HEY! – Look.
– NO!! NOOO!! – If you wanted to be alone…
– NO, NO NO!! …all you had to do was ASK, okay? It’s not LIKE that! The Pprrrincess and I were just… (AGONIZINGLY PAINED SCREAM) (Thud) [Indie-pop starts] ♫ Watch me frolic through the woods ♪ ♪ I have a Donkey ♪ ♪ Never felt so good ♪ ♪ Outside of my swampy ♪ ♪ ((RAPPING))
Yeah, I never felt so alive!
What’re these thoughts inside my mind? ♪ ♪ ((RAPPING))
Could it be love?
Could it be love for the very first time? ♪ ♪ ((RAPPING))
Fiona got a secret
And only time will tell how long she’d keep it ♪ ♪ ((RAPPING))
Turn around and freak it,
Hit the danceflo’ and make the tennis shoes squeaky! ♪ ♪ I can just tell
She’s climbing over the wall ♪ ♪ Into my world ♪ ♪ And if I just fell
I ain’t lyin’ ♪ ♪ I think I might find
Oh, I’m falling far and wide, girl! ♪ ♪ Watch me frolic through the woods ♪ ♪ I have a Donkey ♪ ♪ Never felt so good ♪ ♪ Outside of my swampy ♫ There it is, Princess!
Your future awaits you. THAT’S Duloc? Yeah, I know.
Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad is
compensating for something which I think means he has a really– (PUNCH!!)
OW! Erm, I err…
I guess we better move on! Sure, but…Shrek? (Tiny hee-haw)
I’m… – …worried about Donkey!
– Hu-whaaat? I mean…look at him!
He…he doesn’t look so good. What’re you talking about?
I’m fine– Well, that’s what they always say
and then-n-n-next thing you know? You’re on your back… …dead. Y’know, she’s right.
You look AWFUL! You want to sit down? Y’know, I’ll make you some tea. …well, I don’t wanna say nothing,
but I’ve got this twinge in my neck! When I turn my head like THIS, look– (Heartbeat)
OWww!! – See??
– Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner! I’ll get the firewood! Hey, where’re you goin’?
Oh, man… …I can’t feel my toes. I don’t HAVE any toes! …I think I need a hug… [Weird cover of “You Belong to Me” by Bob Dylan plays] Wow, this is good,
this is REALLY good! What is this? SHREK: [HARSHLY DISTORTED]
Ȅ̼͙͗R̺̜̤̓̌ͯ͂R̞̪̻̩͉͕̦̐ͦ,̙̙͓̳͓̮͉̃̏ ͉̗ͬͮW̙̝ͦ͂̓̆̅E̻̖̟͉̫͈̪E͈̼͍̍D͙̖̯̿R͕̠̖͈͉ͪ͂͐͒̾͒A̍ͧ̽ͣ̚Ṯ̻ͅ,ͮͧ͊ͦ ̰͔̪̯̹ͫͨ͊̓̒R̟͚̝͈̰͍̝ͯ̐̆̈́ͤͤ͑O̫̜͇͈̼T̤̼̺̯̻͑I̖̭͇̗͉̓͗͋ͬ̌̃ͪS̻͓̬͍̭͐ͣ̂S̥̺̤̠̪̫̋ͮ́E̜̹̠̘̥̹͈̅̌͋̈́̚R͔̺͑ỊE̱͍͍̘̙̥͗͑̎̽ ̩͊̐̇ͣS̖̜͉̬̮̈ͪͮT̈́͑Y̳̱̩̦̭̋̒̐̂̈́ͩ̈́ͅL̤̲̣ͅE̗̥̹̳̮̘!͇̱ͪͧͅͅ No kidding!
This is delicious. Ẅ́ͩͭ̌ͧ͌ͪE̹̪̘̞ͥ̐ͨͬ̋̚L͓̞̤̗̹̞ͭ̃̅L̘͉̿̀ͩ̂ͥ̓,̄͒ ̗̪͎̄T̹͔̘̾ͧH͒̈E͎͍͚Ỷ̼̝̆̈’̜͕̫̈́̇R͉̺͈̗ͤ̈́ͣE̩̰̭̩̱̜͉͂̀̋ ̼̜̝͉́ͦͨ̽̾A̜̟͖̍L͇̩̠̜ͮͅS̙̓͛͒̉̚Oͦ̍̃̃ͦ ͈͉̥̟͙̖G͇̙͆͋͒R̻̋̆ͫ̐E̪̼͎̦̻̰̾̾ͅA̯͈͖͔̋̍̏ͅT̰̖̯̱͓̞̾̎ͬͧ͋͌ ̝̜͋̃ͥ͂̉̑Ị͍̝̺ͮ̉̏N̬̼̎̔ ̺̱̜̹̮̜͛ͬ̊S̺͉̖͎ͭͮͯ̋̀T̈̆̒̈̇ͦEͦ̔̐̿̂̉W̟͇͔Š̬̩̜.͇̹̻̝̤̺͚̏̽͋͂ Ň͉̣͉͓̤̈ͅȮ͍͕͔͕̬͔̮̑͒̍W,̹͈̑ͯ̄ͣ ͎͓̟̇́I̳̻̗̩ͥ̀̍̐̄ ̝͓̲̼̊ͣͅD͖̬̯̎ͩ̿̚̚O̞̦͔̝͖̎͋̎N̹̩̜ͩͬ̔͂͒̓’̳̦̤̘̍ͬ̀Ṯ̐͛ͣͮ ̎̄ͪ̾̔̊M̩͈̹̩̻̱̥̎Ě̯̝̟͖̲͊̿ͅA͇͙̗͍͉̫͇ͩ̽Ń̦̘ ̟̫̅̋̌̄̄T̮͚̳̣͎ͫ̽͂O̯̫̫̦ ̜̇̈̓̉̓Ḇ̠͔̹̘̄ͤ̌R̿̊̈́̋ͣA̙̗̫̗̻̪̭G̠͎̙̪̲ͧͦ̈ͭ̍,͇͍̙̠̭͙̐͋̈́ ͑̏̑̍
̦̺̺̼̲̋̾̍̿B͎̀ͧ̀ͣ͑Ǘ̗̻͖̗̬̙̫̐̀̃T̲̟̞͆ͫ̍̂ ̠͔̭̙̺̦̾͊͐ͧ̅Ị̮͍̗͎ͨ͊̄ ͚̗̼̏ͩͣM͂͂̑ͪ̉ͦA̤͚͚̓͗̐̋̆KͫẸ͇̬̟͋͋̿ ͧ̇͆̊͊̔A̤ͯ̈́ ͇̜͉̤̋̒ͨ̐ͪͣͭM̫͇͖̻̙͈̮͐̐͌͐̄̒̄Ě͖͕̫̞͋ͬA͓ͦÑ̠̝͇̳͙͂ͤ̚ ̤̟̗̋̃͛͑̇ͫW͎̯͍̜̭̼̣̊̎E͈̪͖̬ͪͦ̎͒E͈̩̯͖ͤͥ͗͌ͤD̮̟̰̠͍̫̟̽R̃́͒̈́ͭͦÄ̦͙͕̯̯͍́̂̏ͭͧͣͩͅT͇̱̩̙̦̜ͬ ̲ͣ̂̔͂S̲̺͕͙̖͈T̝͉̮̭̠̱ͯ͑ͮ̽̍Ȇ̫͓̮͗ͮͩ͂W͚̣̦̮̒͌̃.̣͈̻͈̖͙̏͐̆ͥ͋ (͖̞̩ͫͭͧͯ̏ͩC͎͙͍͔͉͂̆ͭ̾H͙̱͇ͪ́̽ŨC̥͚͚ͦK̯̫̼͓̪L̲̖̥͈͈͍̲E̘͚ͣS̤͚͗́ͧ̉̀͛ͅ)̝̌̋ͫͭ͑̐̄ FIONA: (Sighs) I guess I’ll be dining
a little differently, tomorrow night. M͇̬̪̤̱͂̓͒ͥA̤̦̮̖ͨ̓͂.̍̀ͣ̀ͪ.̠̝͓͉́ͮ.̗͆̀ͫ̿̏̏M͎̋Å̭̀͐̎ͧ̄ͯY̭̰ͭ͐̓͂ͥͪ̋B̤̮͖̩̤̰̝ͯ͆̀̐È͇̅̌͆ͯ̆ ̮̦́͒̈̍͂ͪ͆Y̼̬͕̰͖ͪO͍̬̻̹̝̲͊͑̍͆ͮỦ̘̳̫̙̘͇ͣ͐ͣ̓ͧ ̰̈͑̄ͬͤ̊ͧC̰̲̳͎̩̘̜̍ͫ̇À̟̼͚̬̲̹̐ͅN̟̠̂̆ ̤̺̫͖̳̖̼̂̎ͭͧͬC͕̹̥̙̓̽Õ̙̙̻̞̹͉̽ͥ̚ͅM̤̪E̿̄̂ ̲̱̗̭̭̌ͥ́ͣ̚ͅ
̭̟̤͂̂ͫ̋V͇͇͔̻̝̆I͑͛͊ͩS͉̼̟̥̘͍̽I̯͇͎̟̟̻̎̾̃̒͗͊ͅT͈̤̘̠̩͓ͨͩ̾̅ͨ̏ ͔̳́ͅM̺̗̬̩͖E͎͙̫̲ͫ̓͋ͯ̆̓ ̗̭͔̼͉͓̑̈ͬ̍Iͤ͗͂ͮ͊͂N̲̏ͣ͌ͭ̀͌ͤ ̳͙͚̿̑̐̍Ť̜͉͍̏H̥͙͓̼̅ͩͪ͐ͦE͓̥̫͕̣͐ ̣̭͓̗̊ͬ̓ͩ̅̚ͅS͍̻W̼̦̻͇͖̝͋͒̏̚A̯̜̝̜͕͕̘̅́̉ͧ̑M̺͛̄̿̂P̲̈̃̓͒̊̋ͣ ͩS͎̞̫̠͎̄̑ͯO͇͍̤͙̙̖̖͛Ḿ̮͕͈͓̜́ͯ̅̇̚E̩̺͎̹͍̯̩T̺̭͖̗̰̐̀̉ͥI̞͋ͫ̊MÉ̥̭͇̟̪̯̰ͩ́̒ͪ̎.͈̦̗̣̬̎̌ͩ I̹̠͍͚̫̞͆̐͊̍ͦ͐’̲̈L̤̩͚̥ͣ͆̑ͬͬͪ̚L̘̘̱̦̻̔ ̩C̲̻͐̋͌̾̎ͫ̆O͖̭̦̬̺̪̭͗O͕͑ͧ̎̆̏̾K̼̳̭̦̼͕͐̅ͫ̚ ̼̥͓̮̳̿̽̿̂A̹̠̣̟͒͊̊̐ͥ̑̈́L̙̺̪̣͌̂ͩͅL̮̘͍͒ ̠̹͚͚̍̉ͥ̋K͍͈̂͆͐̄̑͊I̟̬̦̾͌̌N̤̠̜̩͈̲̫̆̓͂͒͛̉Ḍ̭̘͚͋ͨS̖̤̙̹̣̖͗͛̀ͭͪͨ ͆́̆ͬ̔͂̈O̫̭̗̘̩̱͌̿ͣͭͦ̋ͮͅF͖̙̣͎̱̟̼͛ ́ͯͦS̟͐ͬ̉ͅT̑ͣ͑͗͌U̗̙̘̜̪͔̞̾̊̾̄̃ͧF͇̤̟̠̎ͯF͙̟̜̘͍.̪̬.̹͚̯͓͚̝́.̮͇̠̣̫̱̯̃ͣ
̜͔̙̘ͧ̀F̭̬͍ͫ̅ͥ̑ͮ̄ͅO͕̻̪̾ͮR̟̯̮̊͋̓̐̋̽̄ ̏̍̏̽ỴͭͅÒ̇̔U͎̞̺̭͓ͨͅ.̠̟̟̘̙͊ͦͮ̓.̼̘̪͍̍̂̿ͦ.̒̔̎ S͓͓̩̝̀ͅW̠̙͈̤ͫẢ͈̑ͦ͌̌̂̚M͎͙̦͕͔͗͌ͨ͋͋͌P̜͚̗͕͈ ̱̞̞̃T͎͍͇̖̾͑̔͐͌O̳͚̘͙A̙̗̟̥͉̾͗̾ͨ̒D͍̤̣̹̿̆ͣ ̲̟̙̠́̐Ṣ̦͎ͧÕ̲͉̜̉ǓPͅ,ͧ̉̓͂͊̉ ̳̫̥̌̑̽Fͫ̆͐̾̈ͬI̜̹̝̔ͦͮͨ͌S̪̲̫̑H-̜̣̻͕͊̔͑Ë̤̯̳̪YE̱̠̰̼̟̥ͨ̿͐̿̄D͉͒ͭͦͩ͂ͥͅͅ ̫͂ͨ͐̽ͩT̰̮͙̩̖̪̈́ͧ͋Ȁ̦̲̮̟͍̰͋͋̋ͥR̰̗̬̩͓̙̃̀ͭͥͪ̂T̟͉̓ͭͤ́͐͂A̫͚̟͔͋ͅṚ̮̫͕̱̘̒̎E̻.̖̘̯̖̞͉̗̏ͨ̓.̣͍͙̫̉ͬ̑ͭ̽.̱͎̻̑̈́̇͑̎̎̓
͍̤͔͖ͯͫ̀̇Ẏ̭͔̠̭̗̘̼ͯ͛ͧ̓͂͑O̼̣͔̜ͤ͊̏̅̓̉̾Ǘ̳̥̏̑ͥ ͚͖̖͉NA̪̞ͤM̹͓͙̜͓̫̓̌ͧ̈́ͮͫ̚E͒ ͔͔̭̤̖̯̎ͬͧI̻ͬͬ̐ͫ̃ͮṰ̖ͅ.̲̥̠͔̭̟̈́ͧ̀ͧ I’d like that! U̥H̘̹H̝̲͎͔͐͊̅,̟͓̫̤̪̤̤̆ͪ̚ ̬̭̠͕ͧ͌ͥP̙͔̬̱͒ͅR͎̝͗̃̽͒̿̂Ḭ̯̥̙͉̤͗Ň̰̘̈͗̑̂̚Č̠̟ͯͣ̂ͥE̯̜̫̰̯̣̾ͅS̟͉̩̟̆̄ͯ͐́Ș̫̠͎͍̒̾̃͗?̣̍ͧ͆̌̆͑͛?̗̗̟͍̰͐̾ͅ …yes, Shrek? I̳̜̊̂̽̏̆̽.̞̻̜̬̟͚̎ͪͮ̐ͪ̌̇.̤̫̈ͯ̒̃ͭ̄.̯͉̣̦͓̓͊͂UͦͤR̯̣̣͖̥̃̾ͫͭ̚R̩͗ͧͧͩͧMͪM͈̲̠͔̱̺̖̽ͥͫͧ͛.͉̗̞̱͍̫͙ͩͣͬͣ.̯̮̤̝͉̠͛.̀͑͛̆ͣ̒I̲̼̖̤ ̂̚W͒A̘̜̠̩̼̬ͫŚ̗̤̖̳͍͌ͯ̂ ̲͈͚̟̓ͮ̑ͧͫW͔͎̣̺͔̤̽̆ͫ̆͑O̹̗̿ͯ̓̚ͅN̗̫͇͚̯͇̭D͓̗̘ͮE͓̬̙̜̟ͨͪ̏R̬ͮ̔ͦ͒̓I̺̞N̬͍̺̻̫̻͆ͣ̿ͣ͑͋͊G͈͙.̻̣̹̩͖̥̉ͣ.͕̜̮̯͈͉̻̃̋̋.͇͓̲̱͉̗ͤͥ̊ͭ̍̋̐A̖͕̣̣̱̫ͧͮR͒ͭË͚͕̮̘̤ͣ͐̇ ̙̇Y̫̟O̫̫̩̪̙̘̫ͩ̈́ͪU̟̠̹̝ͫ̿ͭ̒̇̇̽.̯̰̺͖̯͈̾̿.͔͔̰̳̀̈́ͣ.̩̹͕̲̫̭̰̏̍ͩ
̟̟͎̜͉̻̘̎̾(͉̣͇̤̟̰́N̞̜̗̩̗̹̑Ẻ̙̳͇͇̺̏ͭR̦͎̣ͪͨṾ̤̮̠̰̊̃ͤO̭̖̤̣̭͙̊͆́̑ͯ̍͋ͅU̖ͪ̆͗̆͑S̜̪̣̗̽͆N̳̤̦̤̥͉E͙̩S̜͓̄ͣS͍̱͇̳͖̲̠͂)͍̪̘͈̂͗ͦ̏͂̌̽ .͍͈̫̤̭̳ͫ.̼̲̥̺͑̍͗ͭ.̜̖A̞̭̦̖͉̼͒R̮̳͍͕͉̐E̳͙͓̤̗̥̘ͭͥͨ͋̉̄ͥ ̤̿Y̮̘̳̆O̙̜ͦ͊͆U̹ͫͬ̚ ̮̳̥͍̹̹̤G͉Ȯ̦̹͇͈ͧN̬̈́N̬͉̲̥͚̺͙A̎̀ ͉̺̉̾ͯ̀ͮͨ̽È̜̦̣͈̳͂AT̥̰̠̟̃͌ͪ̿ͦ̂ͅ ͇ͯ̄̀T͈̹̼̥̻̮H͍̜͕̑̃A̖̜̜̺̜͙ͩ͑͐T̙͔̖̣̳̜ͅ?͚̼̩̑̚?̼̲̯͍̆̌̌̓̀͌͆?̪̱?̺̃̃̂̊?̳̫͔̻̹ͣ Man, isn’t this romantic?
Just look at that sunset! SUNSET??!!!
I..ERR…ERR OH NO…i-it’s LATE, it’s-it’s REALLY late… (TREMBLES) .͇̮͎.͇̰̹̖̺̠͚͌̿̐̒W̬̱̐̊̇̒̏͆̊Ḫ̻̝̘̻͓̼͑̅̓ͥ̒̎ͣA̹̰̯̙̣̙̥͒̈ͪ͆̓Tͥͩ̌?͉͋?͎!̠̱͇̝͈ͩͩͩ̅ͫ!̺͕̇̓ͦ̈̍̾̐ Oh-hoo, waaait a minute,
I see what’s going on here… …you’re afraid of the DARK, aren’t you? H-y-yes, yes! That’s it,
I’m TERRIFIED! I better go inside… Don’t feel bad, Princess.
I used to be afraid of the dark too until… …um, actually, I am still afraid of the dark,
very much. Afraid of it. GoodNiGHt!! G̜̦̯̘ͅŌ͙͇̟̥̹̙̐͑ͣ̄̆̒Ö̜ͨ̒̍̓̋D͉̭͖̯̤̤͂N̦̬̼͇̟̣̘̋̒̌̿I̤̞͇̙̼̅͗G̬͕͕̟̞͖͚̾ͭͬ̑̉ͥH̬͕̩̠͇̣̾T̺̭̯͍̤̗.͍̝̠͓̫̭ ♪ You belong to me ♫ [Computer voice]
𝙽𝚘𝚠, 𝙸 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝’𝚜 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙻𝙻𝚈 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎! [Deeper computer voice]
𝚄𝚑, 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝? 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚒𝚝. 𝙸’𝚖 𝚊𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚖𝚊𝚕 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸’𝚟𝚎 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚝𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚍𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛, 𝙸 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚒𝚝! 𝙾𝚑, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚌𝚛𝚊𝚣𝚢,
𝙸’𝚖 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚋𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝙵𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚠𝚊𝚊𝚍. 𝙾𝚑 𝚌’𝚖𝚘𝚗, 𝚂𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚔,
𝚠𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚞𝚙 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚖𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜. 𝙹𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚐𝚘 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎
𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕! 𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎’𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕.
𝙱𝚎𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚜, 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚒𝚏 𝙸 𝙳𝙸𝙳
𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝, 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚢’𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝙸’𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚜𝚊𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙸 𝚍𝚘, ‘𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝.
𝚂𝚑𝚎’𝚜 𝚊 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸’𝚖– – 𝙰𝚗 𝙾𝚐𝚛𝚎?
– 𝚈𝚎𝚊𝚑…𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚐𝚛𝚎. – 𝙷𝚎𝚢, 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐?
– 𝚃𝚘 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚖𝚘m 𝚛𝚎m 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚎𝚠𝚘𝚘𝚍. (PLEASE STAND BY) [cheesy version of some Midi I can’t remember] …Princess Fiona? …Princess Fiona? (DONKEY GASPS)
FIONA: NO!! – SHREK! SHREK! SHREK!
– Shhh! NO, NOO!! Shhhh!! Donkey, it’s me! I’m the Princess, in this body! Oh my god, YOU ate the PRINCESS?? – No!!
Oh my god, YOU ate the PRINCESS?? Donkey, NO! – Princess Fiona, CAN YOU HEAR ME?? – Stop!
– Princess Fiona, CAN YOU HEAR ME?? – Princess Fiona, CAN YOU HEAR ME?? – STOP!
– Princess Fiona, CAN YOU HEAR ME?? – Donkey, it IS ME!
– JUST KEEP BREATHING!! This is me. Princess… You look, err… …different. …I’m ugly, okay? Yeah…
you’re ugly… – …was it something you ate? Because I told Shrek
not to eat those rats! – No!
– …was it something you ate? Because I told Shrek
not to eat those rats! – …was it something you ate? Because I told Shrek
not to eat those rats! – No!!
– …was it something you ate? Because I told Shrek
not to eat those rats! I’ve been this way
as long as I can remember. …what do you mean? I don’t remember you
looking like this. It’s only after the Sun goes down. “By night one way,
by day another…” …this shall be the norm… …until you find True Love’s First Kiss
and then take Love’s True Form.” DONKEY:
Oh, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry! It’s a spell. When I was a little girl,
a Witch put a curse on me… …so I was put in a tower to
wait for my True Love to come find me. That’s why I HAVE to marry
BEFORE the Sun sets. Before… …ugh, this… Alright alright alright alright,
calm down, okay? You’re not that ugly… …okay, you ugly… …but, o-okay,
look on the bright side! You’re only ugly at night,
Shrek’s ugly 24/7! Yeah, but… …but, I’m a Princess
and this…is NOT how a
Princess is supposed to look! Princess, did you ever think about
NOT marrying Farquaad? …what? No! No, I HAVE to, that is
the ONLY way this spell is broken! Well, you’re part-Ogre
and Shrek… …he…y’know, you two
got a lot in common. …Shrek? “Princess, I…” “…how’s it going, first of all?…” “…good?…” “…good for me too!
Wh-I’m okay…” “…I saw this flower and…I
thought of you, because…it’s pretty… …and well…
I don’t REALLY like it but I thought YOU might like it
’cause…YOU’RE pretty… …but, I like YOU…” “Anyways, I…err… …err…” (sighs)
I’m in trouble. Okay… …here we go! FIONA (To Donkey, inside):
I can’t just MARRY whoever I WANT! FIONA (To Donkey, inside):
Take a good look at me, Donkey.
I mean, erm… FIONA (To Donkey, inside):
…really, who can ever love a beast
so hideous and UGLY… FIONA (To Donkey, inside):
“Princess” and “ugly”
…they just don’t GO together, FIONA (To Donkey, inside):
that’s why I can’t stay here with Shrek. FIONA (To Donkey, inside):
My only chance to live Happily Ever After
is to marry my True Love… Don’t you see, Donkey? It’s just…how it has to be… …it’s the only way I can live
Happily Ever After… …the only way
I can break the spell… You gotta at least tell Shrek. No. No, you can NOT
breathe a word of this to anyone. What’s the point of being able
to talk if you’ve gotta keep secrets? Promise me you won’t tell. Promise! Alright…
…I promise I won’t tell him… …but you should. (SNORES) FIONA [Pitched-up voice]:
I tell him…I tell him not… I tell him…I tell him not… …I tell him! FIONA:
Shrek! …Shrek! There’s something I want– (SPARKLY SOUNDS) Shrek! …are you alright? [Every Western accent at once EXCEPT Scottish]
PeARFeCtt, NèvEr BeEN BèTtER!! I…
(Pant) I, err…there’s something
I have to tell you! yOU DoN’t hAVe tO TeLL mE qAnYthING, pRRiNCeSS! – I hErd enUFF LaSt nOIgHt.
– You heard what I said? eVeRY qWhERrd. I thought you’d UNDERSTAND! I UndErhStAANd.
hLiKE YoU sAId, “wHO cULd LoVe
a hHIdEOuS, uGLy BEaST??” …but I thought that wouldn’t
matter to you. YEaH, WuUULL,
iT DOeS! (Upset tears) UaAuuhhh, qrRiGHt OnN TiMMe! SHREK:
Princess, I brought you a
little something. (Yawn)
What’d I miss? What’d I miss? (Mumbles timidly)
…err, who said that? I dunno,
couldn’t of been the donkey… [Indulgently stuffy voice]
PrrrRRRincess…Fionaaaaa! As promised…now hand it over. FARQUAAD:
Very well, Ogre! The deed to your
swamp. Cleared out, as agreed… Take it and go,
before I change my mind… FARQUAAD:
Forgive me, Princess, for startling you but you startled ME. FARQUAAD:
Why, I’ve never seen such a
rrRRRADIENT beauty before! I’m…
Lord Farquaad. Lord Faquaad?! (Modestly)
Oh, no no! Forgive ME, my Lord.
For I was just saying a short… …err, farewell! That is so sweet.
You don’t need to waste
good MANNERS on the OGRE… …its not like it has feelings. No, you’re right…it doesn’t. (Sad fart)
No, you’re right…it doesn’t. Princess Fiona…
…beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona… …I…ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride
for the perfect groom? (Flies buzz) (FLIES BUZZ!!) Lord Farquaad… …I accept. – NOTHING would make–
– Excellent! I’ll start the plans – for tomorrow, we wed!
– NO!!! I mean…ah…eh-er,
why wait? FIONA:
Let’s get married TODAY,
before the Sun sets! Oh, ANXIOUS, are you?
…you’re right, the sooner the better! There’s so much to do!
There’s a cater! The cake! The band! The guest list!
Captain, ROUND up some guests!! [Child’s voice]
Fair thee well, Ogre. [Child’s voice]
WHAT’RE YOU DOING?
YOU’RE LETTING HER GET AWAY! [Child’s voice, grumpy]
YEAH, SO WHAT? THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT HER
THAT YOU DON’T KNOW! SHREK LOOK,
I TALKED to her last night– I KNOW YOU TALKED TO HER LAST NIGHT,
YOU’RE GREAT PALS, AREN’T YA? NOW IF YOU TWO ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS,
WHY DON’T YOU FOLLOW HER HOME?? Shrek, I…I WANNA go with you!! HEY, I TOLD YOU, DIDN’T I?? YOU’RE NOT COMING HOME WITH ME. I LIVE ALONE. MY SWAMP! ME! NOBODY ELSE, UNDERSTAND? NOBODY!! ESPECIALLY…USELESS…
PATHETIC…ANNOYING… TALKING DONKEYS!!!! Shrek, the only way you’re gonna learn
is to admit to your faults and you’ve got to not
t–control your temper. Just learn to be cool!
Like the snow on the mountains… …like the cold weather,
like the air conditioner a-air conditioning your a-air conditioning your hear– a-air conditioning in your… a-air conditioning your house! And you can do it! I saw…you… …have so much victory and so much–… in your-in your many Shrek cartoons. ((These subtitles will transcribe
David’s singing. For the real lyrics, turn CC
off temporarily, they’re behind this.)) ♫ I heard there was a secret choir ♪ ♪ That David played and pleased the Lord ♪ ♪ But I didn’t know, really… ♪ ♪ …do you care for the music, do ya? ♪ ♪ I goes like this, the forth, the fifth ♪ ♪ A major fall, a major lift ♪ ♪ A battled king composing Hallelujah ♪ ♪ Maybe I’ve been here before ♪ ♪ I knew this room, I’ve walked this floor ♪ ♪ I used to live alone, before I knew you ♪ ♪ I’ve seen the flag up the Marble Arch ♪ ♪ And love’s not the victory march ♪ ♪ A cold and broken Hallelujah ♪ ♪ And all I ever learned from love ♪ ♪ Was how to shoot somebody that outdrew you ♪ ♪ Maybe not a cry that you ever heard at night ♪ ♪ Has somebody seen end of light? ♪ ♪ A cold and broken Hallelujah ♪ ♫ They love you and they know
that’s not the real you. They know that you can overcome
your faults and your anger and your misunderstandings. An-and the Donkey really loves you,
he really cares about you. He’s a brother of love. “I’M SORRY FOR WHAT I DID
WHEN I WAS–JUST LOST MY TEMPER” “I WANNA LET THE DONKEY GO AND I L-LOVE MY SWEET GIRLFRIEND,
MY WIFE, THAT BECAME A SHREK FROM A HUMAN” “I’M SORRY, IT’LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN” Go get that woman you love, Shrek! “I WILL, I WILL, I WILL!
I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HER!” “I LOVE MY WO–MY WIFE BETTER
THAN I LOVE ANY SWEET ICE CREAM OR ANY FAVOURITE HOBBY
I’VE EVER HAD!” “I LOVE MY LADY SHREK!!” “Hope ya find someone too, Dave!” CREW MEMBER:
I think she’s–I don’t think she’s a “SHREK”. Yeah, she IS a Shrek!
She became a Shrek. CREW MEMBER: She is?
Yeah, she IS a Shrek!
She became a Shrek. CREW MEMBER:
Oh okay, I dunno– She became a Shrek from a human. CREW MEMBER (Chuckling):
Okay! I have the videos at home. CREW MEMBER:
Cool. Hey, guys! Well, today is the deadline for me to
submit MY submission for the Shrent remake. But, I’ve gotta confession to make. Y’see, despite doing all sorts of jokes
about the trumpet-eared Goblinoid over the years when I was asked to contribute to
this remake, I’ve never actually SEEN Shrornk. I’m very old, when compared to
younger people so when Shrenk came out, I was far
too large and smart to be delighted by its fake Goblins and Donkeys. It was released just before my
23rd birthday and my motto at the time was: But over the years,
I’ve gotten smaller and stupider so I figured, NOW might be the time
to finally pop my Shrelb tape into the player and see what all the
Goblin-related fuss was all about! Well, let me tell you,
as the film started to play …my jaw did NOT drop, NOR did it
wiggle from side-to-side. In fact, my jaw stayed
stayed RIGHT where I like it, a few inches to the left! Shremp tells the tale of
an ancient but stupid land where Michael Chiklis turned
green AND Goblin-ish. Shrimp attempts to KILL
Lord Farmquats by throwing him into a shallow…well-cushioned pit. It doesn’t work,
so the movie ends without resolution, teaching children the important lesson
that “not all things come to an end”. So…what was it like for me to finally
SEE this children’s classic for the first time, as a 40-year-old man, who has… actually seen Shrend hundreds of
times and is lying? Well, I think it’s important to heed
the message of Shrearg and remember that not all things HAVE an ending. DONKEY [nasally]:
HMM… …”WARP SPEED”? WHAT DOES THIS DO– (SHREK PANICS) [INTENSE, SPED-UP REMIX
OF “ALL STAR” BY SMASH MOUTH BLASTS!!] (AUDIENCE AWWS) [Incredibly dry, old voice]
People of Duloc… we gather here today…to bare witness… to the union of h–… Errm, excuse me… (Nervous chuckle) can we just skip
ahead to the “I Do”s? (OVERINDULGENT CHORTLE) Go on. (DONKEY HAWS) (DONKEY HEE-HAWS) What NOW, Donkey? There’s a line!
There’s a LINE you gotta wait for! The Priest is gonna say
“Speak now or forever hold your peace” and that’s when you say,
“I OBJECT!” Ohh, I don’t have time for THIS! Wait, what’re you doin’?
Listen to me, you LOVE this woman, don’t cha? Yes? Do you wanna HOLD her? Yes?? PLEEEASE her?? YES!! ♫ THEN YA GOTTA
GOTTA ♪ ♪ TRY A LITTLE
TENDERNESS ♫ Chicks LOVE that romantic crap! Alright, cut it out!
When does the guy say the line? We gotta check it out. (Priest rambles) SHREK: What d’you see?
– The whole town’s in there! They’re at the altar… …(GASP) Mother Fletcher,
he already said it! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF P– I OBJECT!!!! FIONA:
Shrek?! (AUDIENCE DISGUST) Oh, NOW what does he want??
(AUDIENCE DISGUST) Hi, everybody!
…havin’ a good time, are ya? I love Duloc!
First of all, very clean– WHAT are you doing here?! Really, it’s rude enough being ALIVE
when no one WANTS you but showing up uninvited
to a WEDDING?? Fiona! I need to talk to ya. Well, it’s a little late for that,
so if you’ll excuse me… No!
…but you can’t marry him. (AUDIENCE GASP)
And why not? Because he’s only marrying
you to become KING! Out-RAGEOUS!! Fiona, don’t listen to him– He’s NOT your TRUE LOVE!! And what do YOU know
about True Love? Well…I…errm… FARQUAAD: [Energetic European voice]
OhHH, this is PRECIOUS! (LAUGHS) (Squelch noises)
The OGRE has fallen in LOVE…
…with the PRINCESS! (CANNED LAUGHTER)
FARQUAAD: …oh, good LORD! FARQUAAD: An OGRE…and a PRINCESS!!
(KEEPS LAUGHING) Shrek…is this…true? Who CARES,
it’s PREPOSTEROUS! Fiona my LOVE,
we are but a KISS away from
our…Happily Ever After! Now, KISS me…
(PUCKERS) “By night one way,
by day another…” …I wanted to show you before… (SPARKLES) (AUDIENCE GASPS!!) (Dragonball Z sound effect) Well…err… …THAT explains a lot! FARQUAAD:
ACK! It’s DISGUSTING!! (Slimy noises)
FARQUAAD:
ACK! It’s DISGUSTING!! GUARDS!…GUARDS!
I order you to get them out of my SIGHT! FARQUAAD:
NOW!! Get them,
GET THEM BOTH!! FARQUAAD: This hocus-pocus changes NOTHING.
FIONA: Shrek!
SHREK: NO!! This marriage is BINDING,
and that makes me KING!! SEE?? SEE??!! SHREEEK!! FARQUAAD:
Don’t just stand there, you morons! FIOOO-NA! Get OUT of my WEH!! FARQUAAD: I’ll have you drawn and quartered! (SHREK ROARS)
FARQUAAD: I’ll have you drawn and quartered! FARQUAAD:
You’ll BEG for death to save you! SHREEEK!! And as for YOU, my WIFE… FIO-NA! I’ll have you locked BACK in that tower
for the rest of your DAYS… FARQUAAD:
…I’m KING!! I will have ORDER! I will have PERFECTION! (SHREK WHISTLES) FARQUAAD:
…I’m KING!! I will have ORDER! I will have PERFECTION! FARQUAAD:
…I’m KING!! I will have ORDER! I will have PERFECTION! FARQUAAD:
I WILL HAVE… (SMASH!) (ROAR!!!) (OPERATIC SUSTAINED NOTE) (OPERATIC SUSTAINED NOTE) Alright, nobody move!
I gotta Dragon here and I’m NOT afraid to use it! I’M A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!! (HIC!) Celebrity marriages… …they never last, do they? (APPLAUSE) (STOCK CHILDREN CHEERING SOUND)
(APPLAUSE) Go ahead, Shrek. Err…Fiona? [Extremely shrill falsetto]
YES, SHREK?? I… …I love you. RrrREALLY??? Really, really. I LOVE YOU TOOO!! (AUDIENCE AWWS) (Sparkles) (Sparkles)
[FIONA voice clip]: “Until you find True Love’s
first kiss…” “…and then take Love’s True Form…” (GLASS SHATTERS) (SMASH!!) …Fiona… …are you alright? What? Y-yes… …but I-I don’t understand,
I’m supposed to be beautiful… (Sighs) …but you ARE beautiful. Oh, I was HOPING
this would be a happy ending! [Synthpop music starts] ♫ I thought love
was only true in fairy tales ♪ ♪ Mean’t for someone else
but not for me ♪ ♪ Love was out to get me ♪ ♪ That’s the way it seemed ♪ ♪ Disappointment haunted all my dreams ♪ ♪ Then I saw her face ♪ ♪ Now I’m a believer ♪ ♪ Not a trace ♪ ♪ of doubt in my mind ♪ ♪ I’m in love ♪ ♪ I’m a believer,
I couldn’t leave her if I tried ♪ ♪ Then I saw her face ♪ ♪ Now I’m a believer ♪ ♪ Not a trace ♪ ♪ of doubt in my mind ♪ ♪ – Now I’m a believer!
– I couldn’t leave her if I tried ♪ ♪ I couldn’t leave her if I tried ♪ ♪ – I’m a believer!
– I couldn’t leave her if I tried ♪ ♪ I couldn’t leave her if I tried ♫ [Downbeat, alternative music starts,
opening with synth riff from “Stay Home” by Self] ♫ I believe in self-assertion ♪ ♪ Destiny or slight diversion ♪ ♪ Now it seems like I’ve ♪ ♪ got my head on straight ♪ ♪ I’m a freak, an aberration ♪ ♪ Think I’ve made the right decision ♪ ♪ Can’t turn back now,
it might be too late ♪ ♪ And it’s up to the morning,
then back again ♪ ♪ The same old day,
Same situation ♪ ♪ Then the happiness rears back,
as if to say… ♪ ♪ I want to stay home today ♪ ♪ Don’t wanna go out ♪ ♪ And if anyone comes to play ♪ ♪ gonna get thrown out ♪ ♪ I want to stay home today ♪ ♪ Don’t want no company, no way ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… ♫ [Alternative ska-reggae plays] ♫ I get such a thrill when
you look at my eyes! ♪ ♪ My heart skips a beat, girl,
I feel so alive! ♪ ♪ Please tell me, baby,
if all this is true ♪ ♪ ’cause deep down inside
all I wanted is you! ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
Makes me wanna dance ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
It’s a new romance! ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
I look into your eyes ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES!! ♪ ♪ When we first met
I could hardly believe ♪ ♪ The things that would happen
and we could achieve! ♪ ♪ Let’s be together
for all of our time ♪ ♪ Oh girl, I’m so thankful
that you are still mine! ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
Makes me wanna dance ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
It’s a new romance! ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
I look into your eyes ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES!! ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
Makes me wanna dance! ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
It’s a new romance! ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
I look into your eyes ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh!
BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES!! ♫ [Early 2000’s pop starts]
♫ Everything looks bright ♪ ♪ Standing in your– ♪ ♪ (RECORD SCRATCH) ♪ ♪ “REMIX!!!”
(RECORD SCRATCH) ♪ (INTENSE, HYPER REMIX OF
“LIKE WOW” BY AARON CARTER PLAYS) [“All Star” by Smash Mouth sample]
♪ SOMEBODY ONCE– ♪ [“All Star” by Smash Mouth sample]
♪ WELL, THE YEARS START COMI– ♪ (SAMPLE GETS GARBLED) [“All Star” by Smash Mouth sample]
♪ HEY NOW, YOU’RE AN ALL-STAR ♪ [“All Star” by Smash Mouth sample]
♪ GET YOUR GAME ON, GO PLAY ♪ [“All Star” by Smash Mouth sample]
♪ HEY NOW, YOU’RE A ROCK STAR ♪ [“All Star” by Smash Mouth sample]
♪ GET THE SHOW ON, GET PAID ♪ [“All Star” by Smash Mouth sample]
♪ AND ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD ♪ [“All Star” by Smash Mouth sample]
♪ ONLY SHOOTIN’ STARS BREAK THE MOLD ♫ [Lo-fi synth music plays] ♫ There is something that I see ♪ ♪ in the way you look at me ♪ ♪ There’s a smile
there’s a truth ♪ ♪ in your eyes ♪ ♪ What an unexpected way ♪ ♪ on this unexpected day ♪ ♪ Could it be…
this is where I belong? ♪ ♪ It is you
I have loved, all along ♪ ♪ Over and over ♪ ♪ I’m filled with emotion ♪ ♪ Your love,
it rushes through my veins ♪ ♪ And I am filled ♪ ♪ with the sweetest devotion ♪ ♪ As I…I look… ♪ ♪ …into your perfect face ♪ ♪ It’s no more mystery ♪ ♪ It is finally clear to me ♪ ♪ You’re the home my heart
searched for, so long ♪ ♪ It is you
I have loved ♪ ♪ It is you
I have loved ♪ ♪ It’s you
that I’ve loved, all along ♫ (Thank you for watching!
CC: Crazyboy88, Nicholas428)