Prince Harry and Meghan Markle sent shockwaves through the UK when they sent Buckingham Palace
a breakup text. But now the queen is saying,
“Slow your roll, bitches.” Now to that
bombshell announcement. The whole world
is talking about it. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
revealing that they intend to step back
as so-called “senior members” of the Royal Family. NEWSMAN:
A rift in the Royal Family not seen for a generation. Prince Harry, the most popular
royal after the queen, and his American wife Meghan, issuing what amounts to
a declaration of independence. Their bombshell announcement taking other royals
by surprise. There was no advance warning
for the queen, Prince Charles
or Prince William. Buckingham Palace issuing
a terse response: Oh… -shit just got real.
-(laughter) Yeah, apparently,
the queen is not happy, because Harry and Meghan
didn’t tell her they plan to quit
the family business. Yeah. And maybe
they did tell her, but because she’s, like,
a hundred years old, she forgot. You don’t know.
Yeah, maybe they’re like, “Grandma, we’re leaving
the Royal Family.” She’s like, “When?”
They’re like, “Next week.” “What’s next week?”
“We’re leaving.” “Who’s leaving?”
“We are.” “You are what?”
“Aw, never mind.” “Those suckers fall for it
every time.” Now, some people are saying
the queen is upset because the Royal Family needs
Harry and Meghan to stay popular and relevant. I think the real reason
is that the queen is mad because now she’s stuck
with a bunch of merchandise she can’t sell. Yeah. She’s like, “I can’t sell
shirts that say ‘Slay Queen’ “if there’s no black family! I’ll get cancelled on Twitter!” You know who I feel bad for
in all of this, though? Meghan and Harry’s son Archie. Yeah. ‘Cause you realize,
eventually he’s gonna grow up and be like,
“So let me get this straight. (laughter) “We used to be
in the Royal Family? “Like, I could have been a king? “And now I’m working
at Burger King? -Is that what you’re saying?”
-(laughter) All right, moving on, from the
most entitled family in England to the most entitled family
in the U.S. President Trump has spent nearly
a third of his days in office visiting one
of his own vacation properties. And every time Trump
and his family travels, it costs the taxpayers money. And if you’d like to know
how much money, well, there’s good news
and bad news. NEWSWOMAN:
The Washington Post reports the Trump Administration
wants to delay until after the election
a Democratic proposal. It requires
the Secret Service to disclose just how much it spends
on protecting the president and his family
when they travel. The Secret Service is part
of the Treasury Department. Treasury secretary
Steve Mnuchin has reportedly agreed
to the idea, but wants to start it after
the presidential election. Oh, yes, that’s right– Steve
Mnuchin, treasury secretary and corporate Kylo Ren, says he will disclose
how much money the Secret Service spends
on Trump, but only after the election. Yeah. And that can’t be
a good sign. Why after the election? Huh? That’s like asking a hook-up
if they’ve been tested, and they say,
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was, and I’ll tell you the results
after we smash.” -(laughter)
-Now, protecting a president has always cost money,
let’s be fair. But Trump is a special case, ’cause this is the first time
where the Secret Service also has to protect
the president from himself. Yeah. They’re like,
“Watch out, Mr. President, “the stove is hot. “Sir, what did I just say?
Stop that. “Sir, stop…
Okay, you want to touch it? Touch it, touch it, touch it,
Do you want touch it?” He’s like,
“No, I learned my lesson.” (laughter) I’m just picturing him now. “Are you gonna touch it?”
“No, no, I’m not touching.” Now, we already know
that since he became president, Trump’s travel
has cost taxpayers about $100 million. What I want to know
is a breakdown. I want to see a breakdown of
what they spend on each member of the Trump family. Yeah. ‘Cause I bet they spend, like,
a fortune to protect Ivanka, but then they just buy Eric
a Groupon for karate lessons. -(laughter)
-“Hey, figure that shit out.” All right, and finally,
some news going viral online. Madame Tussauds is world-famous for creating
life-like wax replicas of famous people
throughout time. But they’re also famous for
sometimes getting it very wrong. NEWSWOMAN: A wax figure of
a celebrity at Madame Tussauds is being roasted online–
it’s the figure of Nicki Minaj. At Tussauds Museum in Berlin,
the image is supposed to be of the rapper
from her music video, but social media thinks,
uh, it’s not even close. One tweet called it “a mess” and asked,
does Google not exist? Okay, that is
a terrible-looking replica of Nicki Minaj. It’s almost like the sculptor
focused so much on the ass that when he got to the face, he
was just like, “Aw, I’m tired. -I don’t… I don’t know.”
-(laughter) But instead of asking
why doesn’t this wax figure look like Nicki Minaj, I feel
like people should be asking the question: Why are we
still making wax figures?! ‘Cause in the 1700s,
when Madame Tussauds started, it made sense– you didn’t know
what people looked like, right? Now we have cameras. Right?
No one out there is like, “I want to know
what Ed Sheeran looks like, -but I want bees
to be involved.” -(laughter) I mean, at the same time,
I also kind of feel bad for the people who work
at Madame Tussauds, ’cause making wax figures
is difficult. Like, even a candle
is hard to make. One time I tried
to make a candle for my mom for her birthday, and it came out looking
like Mitch McConnell. Yeah. And here’s my big issue.
Here’s my big issue. Why did they make Nicki Minaj’s
wax figure in that position? Like, like,
do you know what I mean? No, ’cause everyone else’s
wax figure gets to stand. Beyoncé’s stands.
Elton John’s stands. But Nicki Minaj is ass-up, like that’s
her natural position in life. She did that once. So, like, she goes to the
grocery store like, “Yes, yes. -(laughter)
“Some milk, please. Some milk.” If I was Nicki Minaj,
I would be pissed off with that. It’s the same way
I bet Jesus will be pissed off when he comes back to Earth–
he’s gonna be, “Wait, I was crucified one time,
and that’s how you remember me? “One time? What about the time
I walked on water? “Where’s the statue
of that? Huh? “Remember the magic trick
with the wine? “Where’s the statue of that?
And also, why do I look white? What the hell is going on!”