-I was running a bit behind
today. So, I thought if you guys
wouldn’t mind, I’d just like to write out my weekly
thank-you notes right now. Is that cool with you guys? [ Cheers and applause ] James, can I get some thank-you-
note-writing music, please? [ Piano plays ] -A little Valentine. -Oh, my gosh. [ Laughter ] Thank you, “Sonic the Hedgehog,” for finally coming out after
fans called for a redesign. Or as the cast of “Cats” put it,
“Wait, that was an option?” [ Laughter and applause ] -Meow. [ Piano plays ] -Thank you, viral photo
of Trump’s tan line… [ Laughter ] …for looking like
Trump got a spray tan while wearing a bonnet. [ Laughter and applause ] “Quick, I’m in a hurry.” [ Piano plays ] -Thank you, hand sanitizer,
for being a gel that kills germs inside a bottle
that’s covered in germs. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Squirting ] [ Fart noise ] [ Quack ] [ Fart noise ] [ Piano plays ] Thank you, McDonald’s
Shamrock Shakes, for looking like someone accidentally tossed baby Yoda
in a blender. Aw, come on, hey. -Hey. They didn’t.
It’s a joke. -He’s not real.
-He’s not real. -He’s not real.
-Yoda’s not real. -He’s not real. [ Piano plays ] Thank you, fencing, for combining the timeless arts of sword fighting
and beekeeping. [ Applause ] Maybe get into that this summer. -Beekeeping or fencing? -Good question. -You know what you could do? -Well, I would say
probably beekeeping. -Right.
-Just because fencing, I use the fence for my vest
I wear on romantic occasions. -What kind of vest do you wear
on a romantic occasion? -Like a chain-link fence.
Stuff like that. But I mean, beekeeping,
I think that’s the thing. -Like a apiarist?
-Yeah, no. It’s not a — I’m not doing it. -This is real.
-What’s that? -This is real?
You’re gonna — -Yeah, I think it’s a cool thing
that people are doing. -Yeah, bee it up.
-So what do you do? You get boxes of —
and put bees in them? Yeah, and then you use them
for just honey? -Sure.
-Do you want some honey? -Love it.
Love honey. -Tariq? -Yep.
[ Laughter ] -Boo-whoop! -Tariq, you want any honey
if I make some? -No, I’m good. -Come on, dude.
It’s really good stuff. -If you make some? What do you mean
if you make some? How you gonna make honey? [ Laughter ] -Little do he know. [ Laughter ] Come over here, honey. -Yeah. No, but if I have bees and I — It’s like it’s a cool thing,
right? -No, if you have bees,
it’s not gonna end well. Cool for me, but — [ Laughter ] -You think I’m gonna get stung? -Yeah. -No, man.
-No, no, no. -What you do is you raise them and then you become friendly
with the bees. -Yeah, yeah. -They’d look at you like a mo–
like you’re their dad. -Yeah, a bee would never sting
the hand that feeds it. [ Light laughter ]
-That’s true, yeah. What I wanna do is I raise bees.
-Sure. -They have honey, and then
they go off and live their life. -Right, they grow their own kids
and they bring them back. -Yeah, and then, I come back
to the spot where the bees were like five years later.
-Right. -A swarm comes at me. -Right, and they go —
-And they hug me. [ Laughter ] Put some music on it.
Throw it on YouTube. -Yeah, it’s like
“Born Free,” man. -Next thing you know,
I got a sitcom out of it. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] [ Piano plays ] -Thank you, going to
a restaurant on Valentine’s Day, for a romantic night of eating
two inches from another couple eavesdropping
on your conversation. [ Laughter and applause ] “Yes, we’re talking
about something.” [ Piano plays ] Thank you, February 14th, for being the day we’ve chosen
to celebrate love, right when our winter bods
are hitting peak blob. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Fart noise ] -Let me pour myself
into these pants. [ Piano plays ] -Thank you, heart-shaped box
of chocolates, for being the perfect way
to say, “Girl, I was at CVS
90 seconds ago.” [ Laughter and applause ] -This is the last one,
though, right? -What’s that? -This is the last one,
then you’re — -This one right here
should be the — -Ultimate.
-That was the penultimate. -Yeah, that was the penultimate. -The penultimate,
and this is the… -Ultimate.
-…ultimate. -Valentine’s Day thank-you note,
2020. -The martini, as they call it. -Ooh.
-Yeah. -Nice. -Right?
-Real nice. I’ve never heard that before. -Yeah, they call it the martini
shot on a program or a film because you get
the martinis ready. After the shot,
everyone has a martini. -Oh.
-What’s that? -It never happens. -Yeah, sure.
What are you talking about? -After the martini shot,
there’s never any drinks. -What are you talking about? What if it was like a movie
like the rat-pack movie? -Yeah.
-What’s the rat-pack movie? -“Ocean’s Twenty.”
-Yeah, “Ocean’s Eleven,” man. -Oh, yeah, ask them if they got
drinks after the martini — -They probably drank
before the shot. -Yeah, right?
-And after. -Nah, after, it’s like,
“That’s a wrap. Everybody’s going home.
I got bees to tend to.” [ Laughter and applause ] -[ Exhales sharply ] [ Clicks tongue ] [ Piano plays, stops ] [ Clicks tongue ] [ Piano plays ] -Thank you, candlelight dinners,
for basically saying, “Hey, wouldn’t it be romantic
if I could see you less?” There you guys have it.
Those are my thank-you notes.