-Chrissy Teigen tweets about it. My wife, who follows everything
she says, texts me and says, “Did you just
fart on national TV?” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -This is all about
how horny I am. -No.
-You will wait. [ Laughter ] Come on!
Pick it up! -We’re in deep [bleep] right
now. -It’s a candle. It’s called
This Smells Like My Vagina. We were kind of messing around and I smelled this beautiful
thing and I was like, “This smells
like my vagina.” And I was kidding, obviously. And we were on mushrooms…
-[ Laughing ] -No, we weren’t.
We weren’t on mushrooms. -First up — checks. Checks, why do you still exist? No one has used you since the
’90s. You’re the Stephen Baldwin of
payment method. You took a photo of yourself at
the gym, and I’m happy to say that,
much like me, you do have a vacation body…
-Yeah! -…which is a little bit less
impressive. -There we go! I got to say this — you know,
that picture actually ended up kind of controversial.
People thought that I was, you know, extolling the
government of China, and the whole thing —
-Was it giant flag? Do you think that’s what it was?
-[ Stammering ] -Minivans! Finally, a car that
lets your neighbors know kids have ruined your life and it’s time for day drinking.
-[ Grunts ] -♪ Hey! ♪ -To Cambridge Analytics. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ Shuffle board,
shuffle board ♪ ♪ Shuffle board ♪ ♪ Talkin’ ’bout shuffle board ♪ ♪ Shuffle boards ♪ -It take you guys this long to
write songs? -Even longer, and they’re all
hits. [ Laughter ] -♪ Baby, let me in ♪ ♪ I want to feel your skin ♪ ♪ Do you want to 69 ♪ -♪ I got nothing to do this
afternoon ♪ ♪ Because I’m drunk at noon ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -A lot of people have asked me, and I’m sure in turn they’ve
asked you, “Is Donald Trump good for comedy?”
What is your take on that? -He’s good for comedy in the way
that a stroke is good for a nap. -[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ] -A source close to the White
House say President Trump has appeared distracted by the
impeachment trial, telling people around he meant
Mar-a-Lago. He can’t understand why he was
impeached. -He is a bit distracted by the
ongoing impeachment saga. He’s apparently asking people
around him, “Why are they doing this to me?” -Donald Trump not knowing why he
is impeached is, in itself, an impeachable
offense. [ Imitating Trump ] “Why are
they doing this to me?” [ Normal voice ] Well, here’s a
300-page document laying it out. [ As Trump ] “What? No.
I don’t want to read that. Why?! [ Laughter ] Why won’t they tell me?!” -Once I was playing a chicken who was in love
with Ryan Gosling, and, like, at multiple points,
he was like — He really loves her and he wants
to be with her. -[ Laughing ] Yeah.
-But he can’t because she’s a chicken and he’s
on the run.” And I was like, “Oh, you’re,
like, thinking about this.” -Yeah.
-And I, like — Literally, like, to me, it was
just like… [ Bawking, laughing ] -Also, Peloton, nice work with that terrible Christmas
commercial. You got people talking about
Pelotons the same way Jared had people
talking about Subway. [ Audience oohs ]
Jared burn! -[ Deep, distorted voice ]
“I’m so proud of him for losing the weight.
-What? ♪♪ The new movie “Star Wars:
The Rise of Skywalker” features a lesbian kiss.
-And for most women, so does college. -The governor of Wisconsin
signed a bill that allows kids to sell
Kool-Aid without a permit. -But are cops still gonna hassle
black kids selling Kool-Aid? -[ As Kool-Aid Man ]
Ohh, yeah! [ Normal voice ] And now Amber,
have the cops ever hassled you? -[ As Kool-Aid Man ] Oh, yeah! -Airplane safety announcements, quit talking to us like we’re
children. If someone doesn’t know how to
buckle a seatbelt, society’s probably better if
they rocket out the window. -I was in the car and I’m
listening to this song, and I can’t turn it off. I can’t go into
the Bed Bath & Beyond without hearing the end
of this song, and I’m listening, and I start
to lip sync and now I’m air drumming,
and I start to cry. I do the whole song.
At the end of the song, I look over,
and there’s a woman who’s pulled up in the spot
beside me, and she’s looking at me,
and the look on her face just said, “It’s so sad when actors lose their
television shows.” -[ Laughing ] Yeah. -I feel better already.
-[ Laughs ]