Primary voting is kicking off
in just a couple of weeks, which means people
around the country are starting to decide which candidate
they’re supporting, and that means endorsements
are beginning to roll in. Bernie Sanders
was endorsed by AOC and the National Nurses Union. Andrew Yang got the endorsement of Donald Glover
and Dave Chappelle. And Mike Bloomberg
got the endorsement -of the other six dwarfs.
-(laughter) But…
there’s one endorsement that Democrats
have been waiting for all week: The New York Times. It’s the country’s
most trusted paper and where America turns for news until they run out
of free articles. -(laughter)
-And last night, in the middle of another super-
contentious primary season, The New York Times decided… not to decide. Democrats running for president
are getting a boost from The New York Times
editorial board. For the first time ever, the paper endorsed
two candidates in the primaries: Elizabeth Warren
and Amy Klobuchar. The Times says that Warren is
the best leftist candidate, while Klobuchar is
the centrist choice. Yeah. For the first time
in 160 years, The New York Times decided
to endorse two candidates. Which seems like a copout. Right? You’re only supposed
to make one endorsement. That’s how it works. Right? You never saw a LeBron ad
where he was like, “To quench my thirst,
I choose Sprite. Or water. “It’s fine, either way.
I mean, they both work. Whichever one. You choose.” Now, even though
the Times decision was a letdown for some people,
I did appreciate how transparent the process was. You see, the paper’s editorial
board brought in each candidate for lengthy interviews which they then released
to the public. It was great, because we got
to learn a little bit more about all of the candidates.
For instance, we learned that if you’re having
a surprise birthday party, don’t get Bernie to plan it. What are you likely to fail at
or to do poorly as president? Look, I don’t tolerate bullshit
terribly well. And I come
from a different background than a lot of other people
who run the country. I’m not good at backslapping. I’m not good at pleasantries. If you have your birthday,
I’m not gonna call you up to congratulate you
so you’ll love me and you write nice things
about me. That’s not what I do. Never have.
And I, you know, I-I take that as a little bit
of a criticism, self-criticism. I have been amazed
at how many people respond to, “Happy birthday.” “Oh, Bernie,
thanks so much for calling.” You know, it works.
It’s just not my style. -(laughter)
-Goddamn! Bernie Sanders
does not mess around. The question was, “What would
you be bad at as president?” and his answer somehow became,
“(bleep) birthdays.” -(laughter) -I feel like
Bernie should just start his own line of Hallmark cards, and it’s just a white piece
of paper that says, “Whatever.” It’s almost–
you know what it is?– it’s almost starting
to feel like Larry David impersonated him on SNL, so now Bernie is impersonating
Larry in real life. -You know? He’s just like,
“And why… -(applause) “and why are we doing this? Huh? “Why are we
still blowing out candles? “You know what?
You know what my wish is? “To eat a slice of cake
without your spit on it. How about that, huh?
How about that?” And to be fair to Bernie,
once you get to his age, birthdays
aren’t that fun anymore. Yeah. You get that many candles
on a cake, Greta Thunberg’s gonna show up
and protest your carbon output. -Come on, now.
-(laughter) Now, there was…
there was one notable candidate who did not sit down
with The New York Times. Former mayor of New York, and world’s cutest ATM,
Michael Bloomberg. Apparently,
there was some confusion. You see, the editors asked if he
would come by The New York Times and he responded, “Sure,
I’ll buy The New York Times. How’s $20 billion?
I found it in my couch.” So Bloomberg wouldn’t speak
to The Times, right? But he did spend the weekend
doing outreach to a different group of people:
black people. NEWSMAN:
Michael Bloomberg, hoping to win over
black voters. He gave a major speech on race in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on Sunday. Bloomberg attempted
to connect with black voters by discussing how he has
benefitted from white privilege. The challenge of African
American wealth creation today is inextricably linked to the
racial inequalities of the past, and I’m determined
to make breaking that link a centerpiece of my presidency. As someone who has been
very lucky in life, I often say my story would only
have been possible in America, and I think that’s true. But I also know that my story
would have turned out very differently
if I had been black, and that more black Americans
of my generation would have ended up
with far more wealth had they been white. Okay. Wow. Michael Bloomberg delivered
a speech in Tulsa, Oklahoma, acknowledging
his white privilege. It was succinct, it was clear,
and that’s one thing you’ll almost never see
old white men do. Yeah. Well, that and covering
their balls in the locker room. -(laughter)
-And can I be honest? I’m proud of Mike Bloomberg– not just for admitting
his white privilege but also for how he used it. ‘Cause I see
so many white people wasting their white privilege
on stupid shit, like getting out
of parking tickets or complaining to the manager. My man Bloomberg over here
used his white privilege to make $60 billion! Yeah! He privileged the shit
out of that whiteness. -(laughter) -That’s
how you’re supposed to use it. And look, we all know the reason Bloomberg is doing so much
outreach to the black community. It’s because,
as mayor of New York, his police did a little too much
outreach to the black community. Yeah. But if Bloomberg wants
to make up for stop-and-frisk, you know what he should do? He should just do
more stop-and-frisk again, but this time
leave a hundred dollars in everyone’s pocket
that he stops. Yeah. Now, it wasn’t just reporters
from the Times interviewing the candidates. Our own correspondents
from The Daily Show were also there
with the candidates to ask them some questions
of their own. Say something mean about Biden. I’m not gonna do this.
I’m-I’m just not. Oh, come on.
Just one nasty comment. We need a fight
to keep the ratings up. I’m glad to talk to you about
why I’m running for president. -Okay.
-But not to attack. I’ll just say
you called him an old bitch. Old bitch Biden. Senator Sanders,
let’s talk domestic issues. How do I fix
my failing marriage? You take a minority
and you demonize that minority and you blame that minority, and you take the despair
and the anger and the frustration
that people are feeling, and you say, “That’s
the cause of your problem.” Okay. Minority. Senator, I know this is
a terrible question to even think about, and nobody
really wants to ask this, but… we have to know:
What if, while you’re president, they make another Cats movie? Oh, that’s… that’s
a deeply worrisome thought. It is. Love it, guys.
Thank you so much.