I’m in therapy, obviously, and I see a therapist
who sees a few other comedians. Like, I know comics that go
to the same therapist as me. I was in the waiting room
the other day, and I actually heard
my therapist laugh through the door. And I was like, “Ugh. I got to
bring it again this week.” [ Laughter, applause ] “I’ve been playing the hits
nonstop for this dude.” I was complaining
about a relationship I was in. And he said, “Yes. You tend to pursue
damaged people and then try to help them,”
and I was like, “You too.” [ Laughter ] We both do that,
unfortunately, you know? I’m not good at relationships.
They’re so hard, you know? Every woman I date
tries to change me. You know that Billy Joel song, “I Love You
Just the Way You Are”? A woman would never write a song
like that. If Billy Joel were a woman,
that song would be called “You Are My Project…
and We’ll See Where This Goes.” [ Laughter ] I’m like,
“Stop trying to change me.” She’s like,
“I’m not trying to change you. I’m trying to improve you.” You know what having
a girlfriend feels like to me? You know that thing
in your iPhone that’s always asking
if you want an update? That’s what it feels like
the entire time. Just constant, “Hey.
Do you want to get better?” All day, I’m like,
“Remind me later.” [ Laughter, applause ] They made it harder. I think, like,
the dating websites made it harder
for how we communicate. Even on first dates now,
it’s like, “What kind of music
do you like?” But that doesn’t really matter,
right? You can coexist with someone that has different
musical tastes. This is my new
first-date question. This is what I ask
on every first date — “How likely are you
to yell at me in public?” [ Laughter ] That one’s gonna come in handy. You don’t want to be
in that relationship. Eight months in,
you’re getting screamed at in front of strangers. You’re like, “It’s cool. We both
like Chance the Rapper, so…” [ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ]
I had another breakup. And, uh, she broke up with me
and asked me to take her back and then — curveball —
broke up with me again. That kind of feels like you’re
in a plane that’s going down, and then somehow
you land safely, and then you die
in the cab ride home. And then she texts every day —
“I miss you.” And I’d be like, “Well, thatis
part of the breakup. We’re not gonna hang out
as often.” I didn’t know I had to explain
that part. I thought that was
self-explanatory, but… Thank God jobs don’t work
that way. Can you imagine getting fired? Then two weeks later,
your boss is like, “I’m sad.” [ Laughter ] “Mm.” I’m glad you’re sad. I hope your whole company
collapses. I was in a relationship
2 1/2 years. I never cheated once —
not once. I’m on the road all the time. People are like,
“What’s your secret? How do you stay faithful
on the road?” This is my secret.
I’ll tell you. Two and a half years.
Never cheated once. My secret. Not one woman tried to fuck me. [ Laughter, applause ] I mean… Thank you.
Thank you. Am I a hero?
Yes. I am. I’d be alone on a plane. Beautiful woman
walking towards me. I’d be like, “This chick
better not sit next to me.” She’d sit next to me. We wouldn’t speak
the entire flight. I’d be like,
“That was a close call.” I’m an amazing person. Then your friends pressure you
to get on these dating apps. They’re very intimidating. Sometimes the pictures
don’t even match the occupation. Just, like, a gorgeous woman bent over
with a finger in her mouth, and you’re like, “St. Jude’s
Children’s Hospital?” [ Laughter ] “If you say so. I’m just worried about
the children at this point.” One of my friends was like, “I
got this dating site for you.” He comes over.
It’s a prison dating site. Incarcerated women
was his suggestion. We laughed
for like five minutes, but like minute six, we’re like, “There’s some attractive women
here.” But then it shows you the crimes
they commit, and you’re like, “Double homicide is probably
a bad idea, you know?” But they have actual profiles. One of them actually said,
“I love the outdoors.” You’re like, “Yeah.
I mean, obviously.” [ Laughter ] “I mean, it turns out
you like money laundering a bit more, unfortunately,
but…” I’m wearing condoms again. Yeah.
I’m wearing condoms again. It’s the end of an era. It’s not that bad.
Guys complain about condoms. You know what wearing a condom
is like? You ever go to a basketball
court and there’s no net, and you’re like, “I mean,
I guess I’ll play, but…” [ Laughter ] The whole time, you’re like,
“Did that even go in?” [ Laughter, applause ]