-Well, you guys,
today is Mardi Gras. So if you want to wish someone a
happy Fat Tuesday, definitely make sure they know
it’s Mardi Gras. That’s right —
today is Fat Tuesday, which means tomorrow is
Ash Wednesday. It’s that special time in the
city where you see ashes on New Yorker’s foreheads
and have to guess, “Catholic or
vape-pen accident?” Let’s get to some news. Earlier tonight, there was
another Democratic debate, and Bernie sanders looked to
cement his front-runner status. Yeah, you can tell —
[ Cheers and applause ] You can tell Bernie’s
feeling good. Before the debate,
he picked up a new suit from a dumpster behind T.J.Maxx. So it was very nice. But tonight’s debate in
South Carolina aired on CBS. When people first saw
Bernie, Bloomberg, and Biden, they thought it was a live
audition for “Old Sheldon.” Not only was the debate on CBS,
it is also aired on BET. It would have been over in
two seconds if the moderator asked each Democrat,
“Name one show on BET.” “BET Awards”? And after a rough debate
last week, Mike Bloomberg tried
preparing for tonight a little differently. For instance,
this time, he prepared. And this is interesting. After last debate,
people are saying that Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar
don’t like each other. That’s crazy. Buttigieg and Klobuchar don’t
sound like rivals. They sound like furniture
at IKEA. “Honey, what do you think? We’ll get the Buttigieg
in ivory.” Meanwhile, I saw that
President Trump just wrapped up his
big trip to India. When he first got to India,
he was like, “Wow. I can’t believe Mike Pence used
to be governor of this place.” “That’s Indiana.” Yeah, while Trump was in India, he attended a
“Namaste Trump” rally. Trump loved the name,
and it actually inspired him to start doing yoga himself. -Oh.
-He made some of his own poses. For example, he did the “make sure you get my under-arms
during my spray-tan” pose. Next, he did the
“place I write my tweets” pose. Then he did the “Eric,
get out of my office” pose. And, finally, he did the “Look,
Melania, I’m exercising” pose. While trump was in India,
he gave a big speech in front of a massive crowd. Unfortunately,
he had a bit of trouble pronouncing the name of
a religious teacher. Take a look. As the great religious teacher Swami Vive…kamunund
once said… -Wow.
-What?! What?! -How can that be… How can that be anyone’s name? “Kame-ka-mun-nun-nun-nun-nun. [ Imitates engine revving ] Can we just see it
one more time? I’m sorry.
-Oh, my gosh. -Swami Vive…kamunund… -He said, “Kamunund.” -It got so bad at one point,
even the prime minister of India was like,
“Just call everyone Buddy. We’re good.” Trump was everywhere in India. He even released
a video documenting the different places he visited
and the people he met. Check it out. -I’ve had such
a fantastic time in India visiting places
like Taraji P. Henson. Sharknado. Chandler Bing. Tarantula Nanahaha. Howie Mandel. Jimmy and Kimmel. And I absolutely loved
India’s prime minister, Wolf Blitzer. -That’s not Wolf Blitzer.
-That’s not Wolf Blitzer. -No. -I think it’s wrong. -Oh, listen to this. I saw that trump just asked
Congress for $2.5 billion to fight the coronavirus. And this is nice. He even showed everyone how
that money will be spent. Take a look. [ As Trump ] Don’t worry. The chance of me getting it
is very, very small. Some business news. I saw that Burger King
just came out with a new French-fry sandwich. Take a look a this thing.
Yeah. And this is cool. If you ask for
the low-carb version, the cashier just squeezes mayo
directly into your hand. -Oh.
-Listen to this. A new report found that
more and more people over 65 are smoking weed. So for the first time,
it’s a fun thing when seniors have stiff joints. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Blues music playing ] -Joints. -Finally, I read that ABC
is working on a new version of “The Bachelor”
for the elderly. I’m not sure it’s necessary. There’s already a place
where old people can meet. It’s called the
Democratic debates. We have a great show!