The United States and Iran narrowly avoided World War III. I was so relieved, I celebrated by kissing
a stranger in Times Square. I didn’t get his name. I just know
that he was very ticklish. So, how are both countries
dealing with the aftermath of the Soleimani assassination? Well, let’s find out
in our ongoing segment War in the Middle East:
This Time It’s Persianal. -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) Right now Iran’s supreme leader and America’s supreme tweeter are both coming under fire
for lying to their people. So, let’s start with Iran. After three days of denials, the government of Iran
has admitted that when they launched missiles
at American targets in Iraq, they also accidentally shot down
a passenger plane. And now the people of Iran
are demanding accountability. NEWSWOMAN:
Tensions flared in Tehran as anti-government
demonstrators protested the regime’s
stunning admission that it mistakenly shot down
a Ukrainian jetliner. NEWSWOMAN 2: It all started
with a candlelight vigil but quickly morphed
into crowds chanting, “The revolutionary guards
are dictators, and the enemy is not America.
It’s within.” NEWSWOMAN 3: Videos show
at least one protester attacking a poster
of Qasem Soleimani. People were also heard cheering as a picture of Soleimani
was burned. Yes. The streets of Iran
have been overrun by protesters furious
at their own government. I mean, you see them.
They’re angry, and that guy’s losing the fight
against the poster. And it’s not just them.
Everyone is mad. Canada is mad. America is mad.
Ukraine is mad. Everyone is upset
that Iran shot down that plane. Well, except for Boeing.
Yeah. ‘Cause they’re like, “Yes! This plane crash
wasn’t our fault! “For once, it wasn’t our fault! That wasn’t us this time!” (laughter) So, this weekend saw three days
of public demonstrations against the regime in Iran. And last night, President Trump decided to fan
those flames of protest. NEWSWOMAN: President Trump
offering support to the Iranian people, tweeting in Farsi
and in English, “My administration will
continue to stand with you.” And later sending a tweet
aimed at the leaders in Iran. “Do not kill your protesters.
The world is watching. More importantly,
the U.S.A. is watching.” That’s right, folks. Donald J. Trump
is sending tweets in Farsi. (laughter) Welcome to 2020. And I got to say, I got to say, it’s ballsy for Trump to tweet
in a second language when he hasn’t even mastered
his first. (cheering and applause) I also… I also like to imagine that Trump dictated
that Farsi tweet the way he does
his English ones, you know? I just like the idea that
he was there, and he’s like… (speaking Farsi) Folks. (speaking Farsi) (cheering and applause) And by the way… Oh, and just by the way,
by the way, let’s be honest.
Let’s be honest. Can you imagine
if Obama ever tweeted in Farsi? Can you imagine what would… Fox News would have exploded! Tucker Carlson
would have squinted so hard, his face would collapse
into itself like a black hole. (laughter and applause) But while Trump
is stoking unrest in Iran, back home, he’s facing
challenges of his own because his story
about why he killed Soleimani isn’t adding up. NEWSWOMAN:
The president still insisting the killing of Soleimani
stopped imminent threats, including attacks at
U.S. embassies in the region. The president making the case
on Fox News. Did he have
large-scale attacks planned for other embassies? -Wouldn’t that help your case?
-Well, I… I can reveal that I believe it
would have been four embassies. Could have been military bases. Could have been
a lot of other things, too. But it was imminent,
and then all of a sudden, he was gone. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, you can reveal
that you believe? No one’s asking
for your personal belief. This is war, not what color
you thought the dress was. I mean… And, also, what does Trump mean
it could have been embassies or bases
or a lot of other things, too? ‘Cause either Trump
is making this up or Soleimani
was the most indecisive enemy America has ever had. What, was he just
riding around like, “Let us attack an embassy. “No, no, no, no,
a military base. “Wait, what about
that McDonald’s? Yes! You know what? Let’s just
destroy the milkshake machine.” “Sir, it’s already broken.” “Excellent, they’ll never know.” (laughter and applause) So, besides Trump,
besides Trump, no one believes
that Soleimani was planning an imminent attack
on everything. And because
they don’t trust him, the House passed a resolution
limiting Trump’s war powers. And even three Republicans
signed on to it. And, really, no one knows. No one knows where Trump
is getting his information, including
his very own defense secretary. REPORTER: Defense Secretary
Mark Esper acknowledged Sunday that he saw no specific threat
against four U.S. embassies by Qasem Soleimani, contradicting President Trump. I didn’t see one
with regard to four embassies. He didn’t cite
a specific piece of evidence. What the president said
was he believed that it probably
and could have been attacks against additional embassies. You know, I feel so bad
for the defense secretary. No, ’cause he’s-he’s trying
to tell the truth while also defending
Trump’s lie. And this is why you should never
go into a lie with Donald Trump, because, at some point,
he’s gonna riff that lie out of control
and leave you in the lurch. Yeah. If you guys worked
together, you’d be at work, like, “Hey, Donald, I’m
sneaking out for some coffee. Tell ’em
I had an important call.” And then you’d walk in
ten minutes later and Trump will be giving you
a funeral, like, “Rest in peace, Mark. His fight with butt cancer
inspired us all!” But I guess that’s
the great thing about America– you can believe
whatever you want. The intelligence doesn’t point
to any imminent attacks, but Trump can reveal
that he believes there were
four imminent attacks. And I can reveal that I believe
he’s full of shit.